Stay
by TheLiteralJoykiller
Summary: "You're all I have." M-0001 is a medic on the Starkiller base tasked with a nearly impossible feat, mend the broken Kylo Ren. Along the way they come to learn a lot about fate, love, and what it meant to truly have something worth dying for. *Rating is subject to change*
1. Act Appalled

**AN:** Hi, this is my first ever fanfic, please be gentle with me. I do not own Star Wars or anything involved in the universe. I do however own anything unrecognized and any OC I might have.

Also, I grimace to say that I have NOT actually seen TFA, yet, so there may be some AU-ishness.

* * *

"Incoming," the muffled voice of a storm trooper sounded into my ear, "VIP patient."

The battle was over, to we medics everyone just so happened to be 'VIP', but they didn't care, rank was what decided who lived and died most of the time. A grim reminder of who I happened to be employed under.

Apparently, our newcomer was of the utmost importance, lucky soul.

"What's their name," I responded, sounding unintentionally short, I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since they started rushing in bodies the previous day.

There was the deafening crackle of silence that filled the air before the voice responded with a simple, "Kylo Ren."

My blood ran cold, it wasn't that I feared for my skills. I was the best medic in sight, trained from the moment I was taken onto the base and found to have 'exceptional' – or so Hux called it – skill in the mending arts.

I laughed when he said that, the man had little in the way with words. But, I couldn't help but to gloat a little to myself, I was damn good at what I did. Even if his real reasoning was to keep me from the tutelage of Kylo Ren.

"Bring him straight to me," I sighed into my mouth piece.

A squadron of men rushed in the room all but dragging the man behind them, who – for lack of better words – looked like utter shit.

"What the hell happened to him?" I mused out loud, causing another medic to throw me a rather disdainful look.

The trooper who's voice I'd recognized took a tentative step forward, "M-0001, might I suggest you get to work – immediately."

"Yes sit," I faux saluted, before ushering his men forward and to a bed.

"It looks like a blaster shot to the torso," I muttered to myself, taking no time ripping his robes to shreds, "I'll need gauze, a lot of it." I yelled to no one in particular, knowing my men were good to bring me things should I require them.

There were perks to being the main medic on a base of people who constantly seemed to kiss death and live to tell the tale.

"Get him on oxygen and a drip of morphine, now!" I yelled, sending my men a rather grave look.

His face was a gory mess as well, but the man's mug was, in fact, the least of my worries. It was hard to ignore what could be considered a fairly attractive face in my opinion, but ignoring it for the sake of his life made the most sense.

His mask would help him in the long run, though scars were effective in garnering fear.

"Bore needle," I barked, taking note of his strange respiration, "I think I have a punctured lung!"

"But M-0001, what if -" the trainee to my left gasped, "we should -"

I whipped my head to the side long enough to glare at her, "shut up and let me do my damn job!"

Shoving wads of gauze into the blaster hole I could finally see that there was a small nick on one of his lungs, cursing my luck I wrecked my brain for the many ways one could fix something so dire.

"What do we do?" a terrified girl at my side asked, "we can't take it out if something happens," she moaned.

"If I don't get this in his lung may collapse," I sighed, "ready a chest tube just in case," I offered a bit quieter, not wanting to terrify the child or let the troopers see me sweat.

"Yes ma'am," she scuttled off and out of sight.

"Okay Ren," I leveled myself to his chest so I could listen to his breathing, which came out in ragged sobs, "you're not allowed to die on me you hear that?" The needle slipped into his pale skin with ease and finally he took what seemed like his first decent breath in god knows how long.

"Good job," I smiled, "no need for the chest tube, but I'm gonna crack him open a little better so I can patch this poke up."

The storm troopers that surrounded me all seemed to relax at my assessment and the one with the familiar voice stepped forward once more, "I will go alert Hux of his condition."

"Tell Hux, that he's gonna be fine," I smiled wider than I thought possible, saving Ren was easily going to be the achievement of my career.

I didn't remember my life beforehand, there was nothing in my head from the 'pre-starkiller' points of my life. I knew that at my age there had to have been something before the few months I've spent on base.

I was taken in because they felt the force within me. At the ripe age of twenty they'd assumed that I'd be worth something more. But, combat was hardly for small girls like me. I trained for a short period even so much as making my own light saber, but, when I wounded a fellow trainee and went into medic mode they found my true place within the base.

Apparently in this world it was kill or be killed and I was too soft.

"Okay," I sighed, staring at the perforation in his lungs head on, "I got this."

I lifted my hand above his chest focusing my energy, thoughts, feelings, everything I had into just pinching the tiny hole closed. The force tickled and danced though my hand and finally his body looked no more marred on the inside than a baby.

"Suture kit," I sighed, feeling utterly spent even from such small use of the force, exhaustion more than catching up with me.

After applying the final touches to the man's torn body I collapsed in the cot next to him, grumbling nothing more than a "wake me when he gets up."

* * *

"M-0001," a soft voice called to me, rousing me from another dreamless sleep.

I swatted the hand that shook me away, "leave me alone," I whined.

"He's awake," the voice whined.

And with that I bolted upwards as if dragged by the force itself. He was awake, which meant he was alive. I hadn't let the supreme ruler down, and that was good enough for me.

"Kylo Ren," I smiled, taking note to scream at whoever did his facial sutures, "good to see you awake."

He looked at me as if I'd grown a second head, "what the hell am I doing here?"

"You'd taken a pretty bad shot to the side," I offered, gesturing to his bandaged chest, "I repaired your lungs."

"You used the force," he spat, "weak beings like you do not use the force, medic!"

Part of me wanted to reach into his chest, I felt my power linger within him, I knew it would take nothing more than a snap of my fingers to effectively ruin his life for the moment. But, I also knew that it'd be my head if I didn't repair him immediately afterward.

"I did what I had to, your life was on the line," I retorted, "without me you'd be dead," my voice trailed off.

He averted his gaze quickly, "give me my helmet, I'm leaving."

"Excuse me?" I balked, "you are not leaving this wing until I say so!"

He turned his head, sickeningly slow, imparting a look that would make blood freeze in it's place. Apparently the man hadn't been told 'no' many times in his life – which would help explain the frequent fits of rage the man had become known for – he'd be horribly mistaken to think I'd bow under his pressure.

At the moment he was far too weak to fight even me, even at over a foot taller than my tiny frame I knew I'd be able to take him easily.

"You're not to leave my sight until you're at full capacity, make yourself comfortable," I shot back.

With the way I'd been speaking to him I knew my gall would do me no favors in the long run, hell, I could have been making what was the largest enemy in the universe. But, remaining steadfast would be my only reprise. If he could not come to see my reasoning that was his own problem.

"I feel fine," he growled, after a long pause, he was all but gasping for air and I knew any more fighting would leave him in an unpleasant state for both of us.

I ushered over one of my men, a tall elderly man who's eyes held the answers to the universe. I'd come to respect him in my short stint in the medical field, he'd grown into something of a father figure for me though at the time I was his superior.

"Please administer our patient something to calm his nerves, I must speak to Hux."

With that I blinked the last bit of sleep from my eyes and made my way from the room, if Ren was going to fight me tooth and nail I found that the general knew the best ways to keep the man in some state of complacency. The orders of the supreme ruler lurked over all of our heads.

"Hux," I greeted upon meeting the man in his regular hiding spot, a rather lavish meeting room in the center of the station. It was the type of place a man like Hux would find comfort no doubt.

"M-0001," he nodded, "what can I help you with."

He and I were never on particularly good terms, not since they found how ill equipped I was for wielding the force under the command of Phasma, a horrid shrew of a woman who loved nothing more than barking orders.

But, he was the only other person on the station I knew of that could speak to Ren, though even their relationship seemed tense at the best of times.

"I come to speak of Kylo, he refuses to stay in the medic wing and I abhor the idea of letting him loose to his own volition while under my care."

The man's eyes all but bugged out of his head, as he scoffed, "and you expect me to be of some help?"

"You're the best bet I have other than requesting the audience of the Supreme leader," I shrugged, praying my point was coming across.

We both knew that there really wasn't a such thing as requesting an audience of the Supreme leader, Snoke had much to do apparently and very little time for those under his control. None of us had ever met the man, or perhaps none of us lived to speak of it. There had been a few trainees brought to him, we'd never seen them again. Their fates were nothing more than conversation in the canteen, mere gossip about the lack of benevolence Snoke held for us.

"You seek an impossible task, child," he grimaced, a look that suited his face well.

"I won't have him released until I know he is fine," it sounded indignant of me, making demands of a man I had no control over. I knew then that I was likely falling onto deaf ears.

"If he asks to be released you must do it, find a way around it," the man jeered before shooing me off.

* * *

I found myself dragging my feet back to the infirmary, defeated in my task to do what was best for my patient. Until the thought occurred to me that he wasn't exactly a lost cause. I'd just have to barter with him. A feat that felt as impossible as befriending an angry Wookie.

"Ren, I have a proposition," I offered, leveling with his dazed eyes.

He was placated for the time being with drugs coursing through his veins, the best time to deal with him if any.

He nodded once, which was good enough for me.

"I will release you to your quarters, but you will still be under my care, I will visit you at least three times a day and I will not allow you to do anything that could impede your recovery."

It seemed I drove a hard bargain to the man with the way his eyes bore into mine, but after a few moments of consideration he nodded once more.

"Good, I will see you in a few hours," I smiled, albeit filled with insincerity and moved onto other cases I had for the day.

After my long hours with very little breaks in between I was nearly spent yet again. Tending to the wounds of hardened soldiers left very little reward, more often than not the men were too tempered to even say thank you. But, I retained my swelling sense of pride that I, a simple woman in most respects nearly saved an entire army of wounded men to myself.

Even if no one would flat out thank me, I knew that I was somewhat of an asset to the base at least. Had I not been there, tending to people in a way most couldn't many men would have died.

Using the force as I had took a toll on my body though. I felt ragged and exhausted after every patient and it only got worse when I realized that I had but one man left. My body was not ready for the fight that was sure to ensue.

The walk to his quarters made my limbs feel like lead, with every step I was filled with more trepidation. I didn't wish to see what kind of mood he found himself in, nor did I want anything to do with quelling the rage he felt that I – an oh so pitiful medic – dare use the force in his almighty presence.

He obviously was not someone who would be appreciative of my efforts, knowing himself the toll using the force had and the exhaustion and head aches that almost always followed.

"Open the door Ren," I didn't bother to knock, I felt his presence inside and knew that he was indeed awake. His aura was filled with a palpable rage that seeped through the heavy metal doors and into the corridor.

"Leave," I could barely hear the mechanical voice through the door.

"Not a chance in hell," I sang back, "open up before I come in."

My new found guts would give me very little, that I knew. When the man was back to his tip top I'd be the next thing on his list to end.

The door slid open, revealing Kylo fully garbed in his armor and mask placed upon his already towering body.

"I'll check you and be on my way," I sounded exhausted, my voice was hoarse and scratchy and my body felt like it was weighed down by a ton of bricks, but he was my last charge and I'd be damned if I skimped on my care because of either of our crankiness.

He stepped inside leaving a tiny amount of room for me to squeak by and stand in his spacious quarters. We lower ranking members of the order were given shared barracks at best and the slightly higher ranking members had small rooms of their own, I'd seem Hux's once just walking by. But, Kylo's room was large as it was decorated and filled with books.

I was impressed to say the very least.

"Uh - "I stammered, taking notice of the way he stared in my direction – or so I assumed, unable to truly see his face due to the mask - "please lie down so I can check your wound, and please do remove your mask?" I imparted as much courtesy as I could in my tone, hoping it'd at least get me through this in a pleasant manner.

Much to my surprise he complied with at least half of my request taking a seat on his bed and balling his fists into the bottom of his robe.

I sighed, "please, we'd both very much like to get this over with."

"What's your name woman?" the question threw me off guard.

People that were brought into the order were not given names once their memories were sapped from them. At first I was bitter to say the least. I had no memory of who I was, all the was truly left of me was fragments of a personality. I came to learn a few things about myself, I disliked bitter things, and often fed my strange fruits to other members of my team. I had a penchant for sarcasm that Phasma seemed to bring out almost immediately.

There was much I was learning about myself, however a name was something recruits were not given.

"I am M-0001," I offered, beckoning him to raise his shirt impatiently.

"You have no name?" he mused.

Apparently the man had been left unaware of what trainees went through. While he was allowed to choose a name that suited his liking we were nothing more than a series of numbers and letters.

M, I assumed had something to do with my rank, medic.

"M," he sighed, "I feel fine."

I was taken aback by the curtness of his voice, something told me he grew tired of our exchanges but there truly was little I could do.

"Please, just let me look, then I'll leave."

"Very well," he sighed.


	2. The Game Played Right

AN: I'd like to thank everyone who's read so far and left reviews.

As a side note, I'd like to mention that I can only write and edit during the weekdays, and at the moment I don't exactly have an update schedule. But I plan to have at least one chapter out a week.

XO – Joykiller.

* * *

His wounds were looking better by the day, though his chest still wept through the bandages often enough for me to worry.

Worry, it was a strange feeling. The man meant nothing to me in the larger scheme of things. He was nothing more than the less than benevolent force that loomed over the base. Kylo Ren was the ghost the chased you down the hallway. He was not – at least in my humble opinion – something to profoundly worry about.

I had another tedious day ahead of me in the infirmary. Many men came back wounded, shrapnel embedded into bodies that would never work the same ever again. I felt for them, soldiers were in all intents and purposes easily replaceable. The strongest and best of the troops were replaceable, one could only imagine how far that extended into our ranks.

But, I worked, and never stopped from morning until well into the night often forgoing some of my own needs. I sat by bedsides and offered weak smiles to people I'd never seen before. The base was too large to know anyone past a slight nod in the corridors should you have met them before.

The soldier I was working on at the moment had taken a blaster shot to the head, his mask had taken most of the impact but it still left the side of his head a gory mess. The rebels definitely had practice on their side if nothing else.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked, glancing over his chart.

The silence I got in response was something I hadn't completely become accustomed to, no one in the vicinity was fond of small talk. More often than not I was met with utter silence upon asking them of their condition.

I swore I'd never do it – never again – but raking their brains for answers was all I was left with.

This particular man was radiating frustration, nearly palpable. To be frank I hardly needed to know what his mind said whatnot with the thick miasma of feelings that waved off of him.

"You're still in pain," I said, more to myself than him. The base was running deplorably low on supplies and I knew we'd be off to another planet to pillage what they had, perhaps steal some of their children for our cause as well.

I knew better than to have any type of feeling about it. The supreme ruler had an uncanny penchant for knowing when someone in his leagues felt something other than complacency in the name of the order.

"I'm ready to go back to work," his voice was deep, it hardly suited his young face. He couldn't have been much older than my meager twenty-three years.

"You won't be returning until your head is healed," I offered, trying to at least sound as if I wasn't tired to death of that very response.

None of the men felt as if they needed to stay, they were bandaged and that meant that they'd be able to get back to work. Even with my credentials I was no true doctor, not in taught trade at least. I could not control what they did with normal means. But, there was a nagging in the back of my mind that constantly told me "they wouldn't have a choice, you can control them."

The force had a constant call, it relented only when in meditation and even then you could feel it, always there, omnipresent and foreboding.

I placed my hand in front of him, feeling my mind beckon to the power I did not truly wish to contain.

"You will stay," I whispered, pushing my will onto him.

His face went blank, and with that he nodded and laid back onto the cot.

The old man walked up to me and placed a hand onto my shoulder, ever the fatherly figure.

"It's alright M-0001, you're using it for good," he offered, a sad smile played on his lips.

"It's not -"

I lifted my head to see none other than Kylo Ren standing before us, an annoyed look plastered on his bare face.

"M-0001," he inclined his head cordially, though his eyes spoke of the annoyance he felt.

I looked at my time keeper to notice I was more than an hour late for Ren's visit, I silently cursed my ineptitude, he would have my head for sure.

"I -" I stammered, looking anywhere but at his disappointed visage, "I am sorry."

"Follow me," he grunted.

He was still walking strangely, favoring all of his weight to one leg but somehow managing a full limp. His pride would not allow him to show pain no doubt, but it was obvious in his pinched features, it showed in the crinkles around his eyes and the way he winced if he turned in a direction his body didn't favor.

I trotted to keep up with him, his long legs making strides mine never could accomplish without nearly running next to him.

"If you're in pain -"

"Silence yourself woman," he snapped, leading me further down the winding corridors.

My blood ran cold when I finally took notice of where exactly we were.

During training there were few places in the base we were not allowed, when you shadowed behind the more adept troops you found yourself patrolling the darkest corners of the base, a silent watch just in case chaos were to ensue. I'd seen the larger part of the Starkiller, but this particular hallway was made off limits. It was perhaps one of the very first things I'd learned upon my arrival, even before I'd received my name.

He said nothing, he looked as if he'd sought council with the supreme leader like a mother would meet for afternoon tea. I could feel my heart in my throat, there was no reason for me to be in this man's presence, and I highly – oh so highly – doubt he wanted to congratulate me for saving his pupil.

I was panicking, anyone savvy in the force around me could most definitely heart the erratic thumping of my heart. My mouth went instantly dry and my gloved hands were dampening by the second.

And then I did something I'd told myself I never, ever, would. I reached forward with my mind, the force was pulsing within me, strobing and stretching. It was a stupid plan, but my most feral reaction was to scope Kylo Ren's mind. It was one of the very few things I'd actually managed to grasp in training with the Phasma.

I begged with the gods, anyone who would listen that he wouldn't notice, that the cold grasping fingers of the force wouldn't alert him. It was a stupid thing to do.

The moment I hit where I needed to his head whipped around, eyes burning with hatred.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He gasped, hands flinging to either side of my head, pinning me to the wall.

I felt hot tears well in the corners of my eyes, I felt utterly foolish for thinking I'd even so much as get a glimpse at his mind without him noticing.

He leaned his face close enough for me to feel his hot breath on my clenched eyelids, "look at me!" he screamed.

I cracked open a single eye, tears finally streaming down my face, I had to crane my neck to meet his eyes with how high he towered above me, even in his hunched state.

"I will kill you and make it look like a mistake," he ground out, pounding his hands near my head for emphasis.

I emitted a wrecked sob, unable to force words out of my mouth.

In a flash he removed himself, somehow managing to look more composed than I have ever seen him.

"Enter," a voice sounded from behind the gilded doors.

Of course Snoke had heard our exchange, it was my luck.

I trailed lightly behind Ren, who's garb flowed when he walked, light hiccups forming in my throat as I feebly attempted to hide my utter lack of control.

The hologram in the middle of the darkened room did not resemble that of a man, more of a petrified corpse with the way his sallow skin sagged in places and was taught in others. His eyes sunk into hollows of his angular face.

Snoke was more of a specter than that of a man, and he terrified me instantly, more so than the yelling of Kylo Ren ever could.

"I-" my voiced cracked under the pressure of his question and the weight of my memory, "I wounded a fellow trainee," it was the shorter of the stories. But, I knew deep down he was asking me for his own pleasure, he'd already known what I did.

"Go on," he urged.

"I accidentally destroyed his mind," I sighed, the weight of his question instantly left my chest, though I doubted I'd get off that easily, "it took me a month to bring him back."

"Very good," Snoke replied, "I want you to train under Kylo Ren, we need more force sensitive people on our side, for they have two who are masters."

I didn't know who the man spoke of, I knew that the Rebels had ranks of course, an army that nearly rivaled our own. But I did not know they had users of the force.

"You will take her under your wing Ren, and you will not let me down again," the man spoke with finality before waving us off.

* * *

I found myself walking robotically back to the infirmary, the day's events replayed in my mind over and over.

I had no interest in using the force that way ever again, no good came of using it. I'd learned that the hard way. Only one other person on the base could understand.

The old man was waiting for me as if he'd known, the same sad smile on his face that I'd grown used to.

"My child, what is wrong?" he asked, though I could tell he had some inkling of an idea.

The weight of the day finally came crushing down on me, I flung myself into his arms and wept into his bony chest.

Through my sobs I managed to force out that they were taking me, that I was to once again train the force, that he knew what happened last time.

The memory was enough to deter me for a lifetime, there was no good that came from a weak woman such as myself using an ancient magic that I could not fully understand or control. But, most of all I feared that training under Ren would leave me without the humanity I'd managed to salvage whilst working in the medical wing.

His hands smoothed down the frayed bits of my hair, lulling me into a sense of security I was unsure I'd ever felt before.

"We are not here to do good my child," he confided.

"Medicine is indiscriminate," I replied, "there is no good or bad when I am healing!"

My words were coming out in short gasps and howls of pain at this point, but I knew there was truly nothing I could do to change my newly decided fate, I was nothing more than another pawn in the order's grand scheme.

"You will do what you must," he muttered, "let me tell you a story."

He sat us both down onto a cot and turned his body to face mine, for the first time I'd seen another creature just as torn as I was, his brown eyes held the sorrow of a thousand fathers who lost everything during the war.

"I was a teacher before this," he beckoned around the room, "and I was good at what I did."

It explained his knack for sheltering others, for offering wisdom and comfort where none could be found, he continued, "when the order came they took my entire class, and myself with them. More often than not the kill the adults, but they saw something in me, something I could not explain. I saw hundreds of families slain before my eyes, I watched my students lose everything they loved."

There were tears in his eyes at this point, "you were there, you know, he offered, you were one of the trainees the welcomed us onto the station."

"I knew I was nothing more than a glorified prisoner," he sighed, "and I wish every day that I got the treatment you children had, I would kill to not remember any of this."

The order had a strange way of dealing with it's older captives, that was for sure. Oftentimes their memories were kept in tact, their ways of life were left so they could continue to teach without having to relearn. There was much that the new recruits had to figure our for ourselves, very little was left for us from our past lives. It took me months to remember the simple parts of my personality. My likes and dislikes were lost to the renovation of my mind for so long I felt like a child, terrified to try and do anything

I was left with no memories because I was to serve a greater purpose, to follow without question.

"Men and women my age, were left to serve as reminders," he confided, "we got to keep who we were because we could scare you recruits into complacency, I never wanted this, but it's all I have now, so I must."

"I am not allowed to choose," I sobbed, "is that what this is?"

"This anger you harbor M-0001, use it, fight with it, because it is all you have," he patted me once on the head before removing himself from my presence.

I was truly alone, and that was to be my purpose. In the morning I would be nothing more than the trainee of Kylo Ren, whatever that meant for me.


	3. The Pain We Go Through

AN: I'd like to say thanks to all of my readers so far, y'all's are really pushing me to want to continue to write and make this a great fic. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.

* * *

I didn't want to start training, it amazed me that somehow I thought I deserved the autonomy, that I somehow could manage to have a voice in the whole ordeal.

I came up with so many excuses in my head, Ren was still injured, his wounds were still raw and ragged, no amount of medicine would heal him in the time he'd imposed. I was still up to my eyeballs in work at the infirmary, there were just as many bodies on my table as the night everyone was dragged from the proverbial wreckage.

More time, that's all I needed, a few more days and then I'd give myself wholly to the cause. Every time I happened to be in the same room as Kylo Ren the lingering question hung heavily in the air, 'when?'

I knew he was not biding time for my sake, but I prayed that somewhere within him there was a kindness that had yet to be seen, that he was staving off simply because he knew my feelings. I feared for my life, but above all I feared for his.

It was hilarious that I thought I'd be of some danger to him, but every time I gazed at the scar forming on his face or the tattered blaster shot to his torso it became painfully clear to me that he was just as human as the rest of us, despite how hard he tried to disprove it.

More than anything though, in his eyes all I saw were that of the boy I'd effectively destroyed in training. I saw him mirrored in every patient, every storm trooper, he was but a filthy stain on my life, a horrid reminder of what the force was capable of. I did not want to inflict pain after healing it for so long.

So, in strained silence I bid my time, knowing that at any moment Kylo Ren could come in and drag me from the life I'd grown accustomed to, the pitiful semblance of a life I'd built with the tools they'd given me.

He came one morning, and I knew it was time.

"M-0001, follow me," his voice sounded strange through the mask, I'd come to find the sound of his uninhibited voice somewhat familiar and to hear it strained and mechanical through the mask left a sour taste in my mouth.

"Yes, sir."

* * *

The training room was similar to the one I'd first been brought to, large and sterile with gleaming uncomfortable white walls. It brought back memories I'd been thankful to run away from for a moment with my constant worrying about 'when'.

Ren's demeanor spoke of how much he didn't want to be there whatnot with how he crossed his arms impatiently at my inspection of the room.

"Where do we begin?" I asked innocently.

"I've something to show you," he responded, lifting a tablet from his pocket.

I stood dumbly, afraid to make any particular movement toward him, until he whisked himself, robes swishing dramatically, toward my still figure.

The screen showed a rather pleasant looking village, but there were no people in sight. There were screams coming from everywhere though. The person who was recording was walking through the village, rather leisurely for what seemed like a long time before they stopped in front of a house. Inside a family cowered, eyes wide.

"What is this?" I asked, waves of fear rolled down my body, "why are you showing me this?"

"Watch," he spoke softly, jutting the chin of the helmet toward the screen once more.

The family in the recording cowered, a man shielded two small girls behind him, the woman of the house was nowhere to be seen.

"What are you doing here, Imperial scum!" the man in the video screamed, arms outstretched before the children, as if he could stop it.

"Give us the children and we will let you live," a voice that sounded profoundly like Phasma's spoke.

"Never, you will never take them!" the man yelled.

A well placed blaster shot through the man's head, the children screamed in chorus, the video cut off.

I was shaking, "are you quite finished?"

I was mad, sure, but whatever it was he sought to achieve got him nowhere, until I turned my gaze back to the video.

It was me, albeit a bit different looking, dressed in a flowing white dress and I was alone. The house I was in held no meaning to me now. The only thing I wondered was where the people to protect me were, the last family had just that, a protective figure. Someone to try and stop the order from stealing what did not belong to them.

I looked so scared, blue eyes wide and imploring. I'd rushed into another room of the house and I heard Phasma heavy boots thud on the dirt floor behind me.

We ended in what appeared to be a kitchen of sorts, I force lifted a few small objects around me and sent them hurtling toward her. The woman laughed in return.

"Stun her, Snoke will be pleased," her voice was filled with a sense of pride, the video cut out.

Where were my people? Was I alone before all of this? So many questions swirled through my mind and I was almost certain he would not answer them.

"You had no family," he muttered, I hadn't even felt the cold fingers of the force in my mind I'd been so distracted.

There was no one, no one in the galaxy that needed me desperately. No one who pined and cursed for me to come home. It was a sobering thought, that without the order I had what looked like nothing.

"Do you see why I showed you this?" his voice startled me from my lament.

I nodded, "I have nothing, nothing to want to go back to."

"Exactly," he pushed the tablet back into his pocket and turned to face me head on.

"Where do we begin?" it was a simple question before I was forcibly knocked from my feet and clear across the room.

"Show me can you can do," he challenged, pulling out his light saber.

Mine had long since been confiscated, I was no Jedi trainee, they saw no need for me to own a weapon that could kill with a simple touch.

I didn't have time to fully get myself off of the ground before he came charging, I rolled out of the way just in time to see the laser hit the spot where I previously lay.

"You're afraid," he mused, "use it."

I finally found my footing, taking a few moments to scope out the room once more, there was in fact a saber against the far wall but I would have to get through him first.

I saw one simple solution, I focused my mind on the activation stud of his saber. My legs were ready to pounce, muscles tightly coiled like that of a cat. Finally I felt what I needed to, the force settled at his hand, I knew I would never be strong enough to control him, he'd never drop the saber because of my feeble skills but I had a tiny window to shock him.

I took one tentative step forward and focused, in a blink the ragged red light retreated back into the hilt and I broke out into a full sprint. My legs carried me as quickly as possible past the man and I didn't allow myself a moment of reprise until I had the saber in my hand.

It was a foolish plan, but it worked and I wondered for a moment why Jedi didn't have constant battles where they turned off their opponents light saber. I'd be hilarious to watch, I assumed.

His masked face stared at me, I would've killed to see his his reaction but it didn't take a master to know that he was livid. If his aura had a color it would be searing red and palpable enough to kill by itself.

"Let's go!" I yelled, trying my damnedest to sound threatening as I charged at him, in a flash red and blue clashed together making the rather satisfying sound that reverberated though the room.

He rose his hands to hit me once more and I used every bit of the force I could muster to push him back, he did not fly like I had but it was enough to make a small opening at his torso. I turned my saber off and tapped him on the side with the hilt. His arms hung above me, saber still fizzling and popping.

I chuckled nervously, it felt like something I'd done before. A movement that was ingrained in my muscle memory.

Neither of us noticed the man standing in the doorway until he clapped lightly, and made a few steps forward.

"Bravo, M-0001," Hux congratulated, "I wish I could say beating Kylo was a feat but -"

I glared up at him in response, "I played dirty," I explained away, feeling discomfort at the way he spoke of Ren.

"You beat him," the man smiled before clenching his eyes in pain.

Kylo stood next to us hand clenched in front of him, the heavy feeling of the force hung in the air.

Riding the high of my success gave me a big head, my hands flew to his arm, pulling it down and prying his hands open to the best of my ability, "stop -" I yelled, "stop, Ren he is not worth it!"

Kylo shook my hands off his arms and stormed off, leaving me alone in the room with a panting Hux.

I stood, hands on my hips reaching out to read what was in his mind, not wanting to get some kind of snide remark in return.

I was becoming far too comfortable with using the force already. I'd pushed and intruded minds, I was letting it go to my head, and I felt shame for it.

"I see what is in your mind Hux," I spoke in a near growl, "you would do your self well to not speak to him like that."

Kylo Ren was dangerous, I rationalized with myself, he would kill us all if it meant doing what he wanted to. Hux's mistakes would not lead to my downfall should Ren explode. But, my random surge of protectiveness of the man shocked me, I knew we had no camaraderie, he would not protect my honor as I so recklessly attempted to save his.

Hux eyed me carefully, "and you would do well to remember your place M-0001, you are needed in the infirmary."

He walked slowly, clutching his head, and disappeared into the hallway.

* * *

"M-0001," a disgruntled looking woman met me at the door to the infirmary, sweat beads collected on her brow, "there's been an emergency."

"What is it?" my entire body filled with dread, it wasn't often the people on staff could not control a situation, there were people just as equipped as myself to deal with crisis.

"The boy is back," the woman whispered, a look of terror danced in her eyes.

The boy, I never did learn his title. The one I ruined more than the order ever could. He could've lost his life in a battle and somehow I would have found it better for him.

"What are his symptoms?" I sounded defeated, small and childlike.

His life was surely not be left in my hands once more, I would sully it far worse than I'd ever imagined.

"He comes in with signs of heart failure," the girl grabbed my arm and dragged me into the room, it felt like I was wearing lead boots.

"I -" I stuttered, wracking my brain for what to do, I knew that he'd need to be operated on, I knew that I was the one to do it, but I wanted nothing to do with the situation.

The day it happened we trainees were grouped into a practice room, though it'd only been months since I'd been removed my memory of the area was tainted with a fog. All I could remember was standing across from him his hands on a mock blaster my slim fingers were wrapped around the hilt of a kendo stick, they'd never allow us to train with something as dangerous as an actual saber. Lest we actually aimed to kill all of the trainees before they'd even been given a purpose.

I remember him charging at me, the butt of his gun was coming for my head and I remember a darkness flooding me, where the force once felt cool in my body there was a searing heat. I remember reaching out with anger and ill intent. His mind was so easy to breach, and the grasp of the force wriggled through it, reading everything he had. His newly made memories, his fears, the fact that he could remember the smell of a place he'd long since left, everything was mine for the taking.

For what was but a single moment in time I knew everything that made the boy, he'd stopped, his hands dropped to his sides and a blank expression glossed over his face.

All it took was a moment, a single notch in time and his hands flew to his skull. The entire room was filled with his screams, wretched sobs wrecked his body and he fell.

"Stop!" Phasma screamed, her helmet removed from her head, "let the boy go."

And with that I felt all of the anger recede, his thoughts still lingered in my head as if they were my own. I had no idea what I did, but I knew watching him cry and writhe on the floor that it was inherently bad.

I had used the force in the darkest way without even trying.

I dropped to the ground, my hands on his forehead, silently cursing. Tears brimmed my eyes as I all but prayed I filled myself with all the good I could muster, I felt my power course through his mind once more thinking of nothing more than to soothe him.

His crying stopped after what seemed like an eternity, his knees were still pressed against his chest, but his eyes – my god, his eyes – were filled with terror.

He looked like a man who had seen the devil, and I knew that I somehow managed to cause it.

"Get him on something to put him out, I have to take a look," my voice betrayed my feelings, it sounded of steel when all I wanted to do was break down a cry.

I was surrounded by a team of men and woman, none of whom I was certain had performed an open heart surgery, not that I had either, but I'd had my fair share of staring at the organ in the past weeks that I assumed I could at least do something.

"Scalpel," there was no waiver in my tone, I sounded mechanical as if I had a protective helmet of my own.

With sure hands I made an incision, and held out my hand, "bone saw."

My team worked silently around me, offering what little help they could. But it was an unspoken that I caused this, the stress on his heart was tearing him apart and for the first time I realized that there was far more to fear than most people let on.

I drove him insane, and it led to this.

I worked deftly for what seemed like hours, finding where the infarction was, meticulously patching it, praying to the sutures. The entire time the frigid hands of the force were in his mind, telling him a fantastical story of a young boy who was brave enough to save the world. I knew it was a very small contribution, but if he died under my care I wanted his last moments to be filled with the sense of peace I'd brutally tore away from him.

And when I was finished, his heart never restarted.

"Time of death," I looked to the woman who dragged me into the room.

"Oh-four-hundred hours," she whispered in response.


	4. Torn

**AN: Over 200 readers! I want to thank everyone for reading so far and I hope you continue to enjoy. This chapter is a little filler because the next one things actually start happening!  
**

* * *

The universe was moving in slow motion, the people mulling around me – actually managing to do their jobs – seemed as if nothing had just happened. But, all I could do was stare down at my hands. Even after I'd cleaned them to the point where the delicate skin around my cuticles bled, after I'd locked myself in my room and went over every single step of an open heart procedure, after it all… I could still see his blood on my hands.

I'd never even learned his name, never knew what to call him, I felt like an utter failure. The story I'd fabricated in my head to make him feel better during the procedure kept replaying in my mind, mingling with the steps of the surgery.

"Step one, scalpel," I said out loud, my trembling voice filled my room.

I hadn't sterilized the chest, that wouldn't kill him immediately.

"Step two,"

The sound of my door opening dragged me from my lament, it scarcely mattered who it was, I was in no mood for company.

"Get ready," the mechanical voice I'd come to recognize as Kylo's sounded in my silence.

The face of the boy's flashed in my memory, what he looked like when I first met him and then again when cyanosis began to set it after the procedure.

"Leave," it came out as a whisper.

"Excuse me?" he questioned, attitude surely in tow.

"Leave!" I screamed, the back of my throat instantly felt as if the weight of the world was crushing in on it, and a fresh wave of tears streamed down my face.

"Care to repeat yourself?" his tone was condescending.

I turned my head in a feeble attempt to conceal the disgusting state I found myself in, but no amount of hiding would cover the hiccuping sobs that had taken over my body.

"Please," I begged, "please just go."

Every part of me wanted to muster the force, to push him out if I had to, understanding that it could easily be the end of me, it didn't matter, not anymore.

"Get ready, we're going to train," he announced, turning in a flourish of robes out of my room.

I'd lost track of time, everything seemed to meld into one big blur, my time line was entirely out of control. It could have been mere seconds since I killed the boy or days. There was no natural cycle of time on the station. Day and night all looked the same, and as my new-self I'd never actually seen the passage of time as most had in their lives. All I knew is that I did not wish to leave, I didn't want to subject anyone else to what I could do.

How anyone could use the force at all was beyond me, dark and light alike. The force was used to unspeakable horror, but apparently so was medicine.

'You are wasting my time,' a voice sounded in my head, echoing and forcing my eyes to screw shut in pain, 'I suggest you be ready, immediately.'

There was no telling Kylo Ren that you needed to wait, nor was there the word 'no' anywhere in his vocabulary apparently.

I struggled to put my robes on, every movement felt as if it were draining the very life out of me. I wouldn't have been sad if the world ended right then, I'd feel no remorse that I did nothing in my short life to claim as an accolade.

I found myself walking mechanically to the training room, the entire time I fought within myself to banish all thoughts. There was nothing I could offer by feeling, though it was well understood that the force itself operated solely on feeling alone.

I wanted nothing to do with it, though I knew he would not understand. The force to him was power, to me it was nothing more than a curse.

The room fueled my torment, the sterility of the walls mirrored the training room I'd originally been put in when I started the program. The only difference now was that Kylo Ren stood in the middle, anger radiating off his body.

His hand rose, and I felt the iron grip of the force pull me toward him. My hand flung out in response, pushing back, it wasn't enough to stop him but I felt a sense of control wash over me.

"You are stupid to think you can resist," he laughed, it was a soothing sound despite the connotation.

"I am here to learn," I muttered, "let's do this."

His hand dropped to his belt and pulled out his light saber.

"None of that bullshit from before, no idiot in their right mind would force push an activation switch," he seemed to be in a good mood from what I could tell, strange considering his prior screaming in my head.

"Yes, sir," I muttered, feeling slightly foolish for having tried it to begin with, but it was hard not to catch some of his favorable mood.

Even if it were for just a moment, a reprieve from my feelings would do me well.

He removed his helmet and shook out his hair, which cascaded around his shoulders in rather beautiful tufts of black, I didn't have the moment to gather my thoughts before I was flung into a wall.

I landed on the ground with a dull thud and found myself staring at his impossibly long legs.

"Pay attention to your enemy," he jibed.

This version of Ren was one I could get used to. Even while he was throwing me about like a rag doll he held a tone of humor in his voice. I found myself psyched to try to best him once more.

His lithe body moved backward, as I moved to my knees, I was small compared to most. At an even five foot I nearly dwarfed below most of the people on base. But I learned that I could use it to my advantage, using my legs to push forward I sprung at his legs, praying that my weight would suffice to at least make him stumble.

He took another step backward and I landed awkwardly at his feet.

I dared myself to look up and found a rather amused smirk on his lips.

"Don't underestimate me," I grumbled, pushing myself up.

"Get your saber, you've much to learn," his tone was light.

I found myself truly enjoying his company, and my mind filled with a lightness it hadn't felt in what seemed like years.

"My light saber is no match for yours," I whined, finding myself far too comfortable around him, every fiber of my body felt alight, there was no stopping the infectious feeling that swelled through me.

"For now it will do, stop playing around," he sounded serious but the amused look on his face remained.

I readied myself, hands wrapped in a death grip around the hilt of my light saber and faced him. We walked in a circle, eying each other carefully. Neither of us had truly seen the other fight, but I knew damn well that he could easily take me.

I was no master, and he was nearly there.

He charged at me, lights hitting in the middle making a crashing noise, we pulled apart and went back to carefully watching each other.

It was my turn to try, I stepped quickly toward him bringing the searing laser toward him, again he parried and in a flourish tried to hit me back.

Like a dance, I'd come at him with everything I had, sweat pooling on my brow all the while he looked as if he wasn't working at all.

Swing after swing we'd dodged and avoided getting hit, neither of us settling on the force at the moment, it was far too much fun trying to decipher what the other would do next without having the cold grip of the force dictating anything.

It felt like freedom, and I loved the taste.

"M-0001 you are calculating in your movements, good," he praised.

I felt a strange warmth course through me, pride swelled at his compliment.

We continued for what felt like hours until finally his arms fell to his side.

A long moment was spent gazing at other, curiosity painted across my face but his was completely unreadable.

"How did you get that scar?" I jutted my chin to point to his face, "it was caused by a light saber was it not?"

"A rebel woman did it," he replied, sounding guarded, "she is lucky she got away with her life, I'd already been injured."

I felt a somber coldness wash over me, a rebel woman managed to injure _the_ Kylo Ren, her strength must've been massive. Though I'd known it was caused by a light saber the thought that we'd be facing other force users scared me immensely.

"You are being trained because there are a few Jedi left," he confided, "with two of us there is no stopping the order."

I nodded solemnly, "is this what _you_ truly wish to do Kylo?"

I averted my gaze so I could no longer make out his expression, but I imagined he looked pissed. Annoyed at the least.

"Of course," he argued, "I've wanted nothing more."

I felt a pang of jealousy, he was doing what he wanted and I'd never been given that courtesy, I would never be able to do what I wished to, I'd imagined many of us felt that way. Even if we didn't know what we had or could have, there was an empty sense of entitlement that lingered. Once the order did what they needed to what was left.

"That's enough for today," he dismissed, putting his mask back on, effectively killing the side of him I'd witnessed moments prior.

I mourned the loss.

* * *

I returned to my room immediately after, I'd been removed from the medical program, I was called back simply because I was the most adept, but I wanted nothing to do with it further. My patients were discharged to other members of the order, I did not wish to look back to the previous night.

Even if I had nothing to fight for at the moment, nothing dragging me forward other than necessity I would never look back. That part of me had died with the boy and I knew that I would never yearn to hold another heart in my hands again.

"M-0001," Hux greeted, walking into my room as if he owned the place, "Snoke wishes to see you."

I looked into the hallway to notice that Kylo was not there, apparently I'd be seeing the man on my own, I tried my hardest to hide the shudder that passed through me.

I dragged myself behind Hux, who walked as if he owned the place – a trait I'd both admired and loathed – it was far too short a trek for my liking.

The darkened room terrified me just as much as it had before, if not more so now that I didn't have someone else there.

The specter's sunken eyes gazed over at me, "I see you've been training," it mused, "the force is strengthening within you child."

I remained silent, remembering that anything I said could lead to my demise.

"You needn't fear me," he smiled through cracked lips.

"Y – yes sir," I managed.

"I hear that Kylo Ren has spoken to you of the girl, the one who uses the force," he said.

I nodded, rather dumbly.

"I feel the hatred well within you at mentioning her child," the man's smile widened, "this is good, very good."

"Use that hatred, because -" he paused, and a tightness wound it's way around my throat, squeezing the life from me, "if I feel you falter again I will end you."

I wrecked my brain for a moment in which I'd betrayed their trust, finding none other than

I was dropped onto my knees, I'd not even noticed that I'd been lifted in my fear.

I figured the half assed bow would suffice, that I didn't need to speak, I was horribly mistaken.

"Let me hear your devotion to our cause," he yelled.

"Yes, sir," I sobbed, "I serve the order."

"Leave," he beckoned to the door.

* * *

I felt that returning to my room would lead to me thinking, and thoughts were not my friend when the walls seemingly had ears strong enough to hear my thoughts.

But, there were very few places on base to actually run to, friends came few and far in between when it came to people on base and the only person I knew I could talk to freely was the old man who worked under me in the infirmary.

His room was not necessarily hard to find, but it was strange knowing I was going to him of my own volition rather than him being the first convenient listening ear in sight.

"Come in little one," he called, somehow knowing I'd been standing outside of his room.

"Thank you," I murmured, stepping inside finding a space that looked just like my own.

"I know why you've come," he gestured to my throat, "I could feel the force heavy in the air."

"You're force sensitive?" I asked, slightly bewildered that I'd never noticed before.

"Aye," he frowned deeply, patting the spot next to him on the bed, "come, I feel discord within you."

"I faltered," I could feel the tears threatening my eyes, "Snoke thinks that I am trying to use the force for good."

It hit me, the stark reminder of where I went wrong. I'd asked Kylo if the life he led was what he truly wanted.

Perhaps he'd gone to Snoke himself to tell him of my transgressions.

I felt utterly foolish, I'd trusted Kylo in that moment, I'd let myself go and it came back to bite me on the ass.

"Snoke know everything," the man sighed, "you must choose a side, little one."

"I know," I wept, "I know where I should be, and where I am are the same thing."

"Then you did nothing wrong," he smoothed a hand over my hair, "focus on your task and they can do nothing to you."

I nodded, and blinked back the condensation in my eyes, "yes, I -"

"You goal, is yours alone," he smiled, "there is no need to declare it to me."

"I will serve the order," I conceded, "and I will make sure Kylo Ren succeeds."

The old man smiled knowingly, "of course."


	5. Such Small Hands

**AN: I hadn't even realized that I didn't have this fic labeled properly and when I did I got almost 400 reads overnight leaving me at a stunning 786 so far. I am beyond grateful, every read this gets the more I want to tell the story. Thank you all so very much.**

* * *

I trained under Kylo diligently for weeks, every day from the time I woke up until I went to sleep I thought of nothing but the order and what I had to do for it.

It's not that I was giving a part of myself up by fighting with them, if anything it gave me a purpose much deeper than what I'd had before. If my entire life was to serve their cause at least I had one, it was refreshing and for the first time I realized how hard men like Kylo and Hux worked. Their lives must have felt some sense of accomplishment.

I understood Kylo's anger when I asked him if he was doing what he wanted. I understood why Snoke questioned my motives.

I fought daily, bruises became commonplace on my rather pale skin, I retired at night sore but feeling as if I'd done something.

It's not to say that medicine did not do that for me, but it was different I felt compelled to help with medicine and now it was as if I had an untold power, I couldn't help but to notice the way the people on the station had garnered respect for me.

It was near impossible not to get high from the power, and I realized how easy it was to fall to the dark side of the force. The heady intoxication swarmed your mind, controlled your thoughts. And when you finally tapped into that potential there were untold riches.

I would not say that I was anywhere near the master class that Kylo was in, but I knew looking back at who I was before I would not challenge this me to a fight.

"Em," Kylo greeted upon my rather chipper entrance to the training room, it was hard not to be giddy. Today we would be crafting a proper light saber for myself, it was like a gift.

On the table lay an array of crystals, none looking profoundly special by any means but I'd yet to learn the true secret behind creating a saber. In storm trooper training they were nothing more than plasma swords, a classier way to fight than a blaster. But I knew being near Kylo's saber so often that there was something special about a properly made one.

"What's all this," I gestured, assuming he'd pick a crystal for me. I'd come to terms with his rather forceful personality, it balanced out my complacency well when it came to battle, he was in essence the perfect yang to my yin. But, I'd never voice that aloud.

"You must pick a crystal," he stated dully, rolling his eyes, "and don't go based on color, there were girls in the -" he paused, shaking his head.

He often did that when he got off on a tangent, I wondered what this one was about. At times he talked just to hear his own voice, not to get his thoughts out. He was after all, a very guarded man.

My eyes gazed over the various rocks that were strewn about, many of them were of lovely shades I'd never seen before, bright glimmering blues all the way to somber deep blacks, I couldn't help but to wonder what color my saber would be depending on the color of the crystal. Deep down, despite the brain washing I was still a female.

Finally, I landed on a translucent stone that shown slightly of a crystal ball – like that I read about at least, imagination took me far with smutty literature – it was beautiful, yet subdued in its nature.

"What's this?" I asked, eyes unable to train away from the peculiar rock.

"Durindfire," he muttered noncommittally, "is that what you choose?"

"Yes," I looked over and smiled widely, to see that his eyes were on me and not the stone, "I think this one will suit me well."

"It was found amongst Darth Vader's possessions," he confided, "I am surprised you chose it."

Surprisingly despite all of the gossip around him, Kylo Ren hardly ever spoke of Vader since I met at him at least. It didn't stop the tittering in the background by the troops of his admiration for the man, I knew very little of him. We were not taught history or silly things such as that, our lives were devoted to one cause and any outside knowledge must be acquired on one's 'down time'. I found myself shoved inside of all sorts of books, mostly romance, though I'd never admit it.

"What's next?" I asked, giddy.

"You have to meditate over it, instill the force into the crystal and in a few days time it will respond, it's not hard, but you must do it alone."

"I'll get started immediately," the thought was sobering, I'd spent countless days in the company of Kylo, he'd become somewhat of a friend – for me at least – and I rued any moment I spent alone these days.

"Wait, Em," he called out to my retreating form.

'Em', he'd dropped the honorifics of my proper title some days ago, leaving my name a simple syllable but it was more than precious to me. On the base I was M-0001, Hux reminded me often of my position – far below everyone else, or so he made it seem – but when we were alone, I was 'Em' and I loved it.

"Yes?"

"Do not fail, that crystal is your life," he stated, deadpan and a chill ran through me.

It was infrequent to feel his ire lately, but when I did I still felt a deep seated fear, I doubted I'd ever truly get over it.

* * *

The power radiating from her room astounded me, a palpable aura of the force surrounded it for nearly a week and she spent it's entirety inside, not once leaving, at least not that I could see.

I worried, knowing that having another powerful force user would do me very few favors in the eyes of Snoke. Perhaps I wasn't replaceable, but having the girl around complicated things in ways that have yet to unfold.

She would undoubtedly be yet another pawn in Snoke's game, I didn't care, not truly but I felt a pang of jealousy every time he questioned how her training was going, he'd long since forgone asking me anything. I felt cast aside as his only pupil.

I was Kylo Ren, grandson of the greatest Sith lord to live Darth Vader and yet, this girl with no known pedigree was taking over what was essentially my spotlight. But, she was good, I'd give her that. Maybe even enough to take on the rebel woman who so recklessly flung herself into a cause she had no scope of.

Rey, we would meet again, this I vowed and I would destroy you by any means necessary. But, not until I took away everything the woman loved. Her precious defector, that pilot, hell, even her droid would not be spared. Then I would kill Leia and anyone else who chose to follow her blindly.

Every time I got into my thoughts about the situation I heard M-0001's quiet voice. I know she meant nothing with her question, but I feared Snoke heard her anyway. 'Is this what you truly wish to do?' It replayed in my mind, endlessly, what was it that I truly wanted?

I wanted to follow in my grandfather's footsteps, I wanted to bring an end to my parents – one of whom I've already felled – I wanted many things. I was selfish in my wants, truly, but after all of this what did I want?

While it seemed that the girl had managed to find some form of meaning for her life mine seemed to waver at times. What, what in the world did I want.

After several days she finally emerged, looking a few pounds lighter and a hell of a lot more determined. The crystal she went in with now radiated a power I'd never felt before, it seemed to have grabbed onto bits of her determined personality. Where my crystal felt unstable, hers felt solid and sure.

It was a sight to behold when she held her hands out and smiled up at me, "I think I did it," her blue eyes twinkled under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the training room.

"You still have to make the rest," I looked away, finding myself trapped inside of her gaze, wanting to drown in the excitement and kindness they held.

"One thing," she pipped, "can we make the hilt small enough for lady hands?"

She joked far too often, though at times it was refreshing to have something with a personality on standby. Conversations with literally anyone else on base left me feeling drained, there was very little substance, even with her small talk seemed as if it held something.

I watched her delicate hands work deftly, constructing the rest of her saber. Her nimble fingers were made for the elegant construction of a lightsaber, I'd decided.

There was something about watching her work that left me feeling inadequate. There were no conflicting emotions inside of her – perhaps because we'd stolen them upon her entrance to the order – but somehow she managed to be the sole beacon of light in the area. Snoke likely hated her for her inadvertent penchant for the light side, but he spoke of nothing to me.

"Done!" she yipped, jumping up from her seat excitedly, "let's try it out!"

Hux walked into the room, I could feel his thoughts on her fill his head. He found her annoying in the way she spoke so freely, he wanted to see her fall just as much as myself. Part of me thought that Hux would hate anyone who accrued accolade from Snoke that wasn't himself. Frankly, I didn't care.

"What do you want," I snapped, already feeling cross that the man graciously graced us with his presence.

"The supreme ruler has asked for you," the man's voice was sickly sweet, it right pissed me off.

I felt the girl tense next to me, her small frame seemed to make itself smaller at the mention of his name. She still feared him, for good reason.

We followed Hux down the winding corridors of the complex until we arrived at Snoke's quarters once more, I'd sickened of seeing the man's face, he never had anything good to say.

We walked in to see his throne alight with reddened lights as per usual, the sickly creature propped atop.

"I see the girl has made her own saber, very good," he praised hollowly.

She nodded in response, opting for the silence that overtook her any time she happened in the man's presence.

"What do you need master?" I asked, rather short, there was still much I had to do and wasting time being asked about a light saber was not something on that list.

"I have something for you both, we've found the girl and she's with Luke Skywalker."

The revelation was not a surprise by any means, I'd figured like minded people would find each other. After I killed Luke's precious Han I figured he'd flock to my mother's side and of course the girl would find herself there as well.

I looked over to the girl who was all but cowering behind me to find a strange look on her face.

"M-0001," Snoke spoke, his voice gravely, "you will be accompanying Kylo Ren on this mission."

The power radiating from her room astounded me, a palpable aura of the force surrounded it for nearly a week and she spent it's entirety inside, not once leaving, at least not that I could see.

I worried, knowing that having another powerful force user would do me very few favors in the eyes of Snoke. Perhaps I wasn't replaceable, but having the girl around complicated things in ways that have yet to unfold.

She would undoubtedly be yet another pawn in Snoke's game, I didn't care, not truly but I felt a pang of jealousy every time he questioned how her training was going, he'd long since forgone asking me anything. I felt cast aside as his only pupil.

I was Kylo Ren, grandson of the greatest Sith lord to live Darth Vader and yet, this girl with no known pedigree was taking over what was essentially my spotlight. But, she was good, I'd give her that. Maybe even enough to take on the rebel woman who so recklessly flung herself into a cause she had no scope of.

Rey, we would meet again, this I vowed and I would destroy you by any means necessary. But, not until I took away everything the woman loved. Her precious defector, that pilot, hell, even her droid would not be spared. Then I would kill Leia and anyone else who chose to follow her blindly.

Every time I got into my thoughts about the situation I heard M-0001's quiet voice. I know she meant nothing with her question, but I feared Snoke heard her anyway. 'Is this what you truly wish to do?' It replayed in my mind, endlessly, what was it that I truly wanted?

I wanted to follow in my grandfather's footsteps, I wanted to bring an end to my parents – one of whom I've already felled – I wanted many things. I was selfish in my wants, truly, but after all of this what did I want?

While it seemed that the girl had managed to find some form of meaning for her life mine seemed to waver at times. What, what in the world did I want.

After several days she finally emerged, looking a few pounds lighter and a hell of a lot more determined. The crystal she went in with now radiated a power I'd never felt before, it seemed to have grabbed onto bits of her determined personality. Where my crystal felt unstable, hers felt solid and sure.

It was a sight to behold when she held her hands out and smiled up at me, "I think I did it," her blue eyes twinkled under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the training room.

"You still have to make the rest," I looked away, finding myself trapped inside of her gaze, wanting to drown in the excitement and kindness they held.

"One thing," she pipped, "can we make the hilt small enough for lady hands?"

She joked far too often, though at times it was refreshing to have something with a personality on standby. Conversations with literally anyone else on base left me feeling drained, there was very little substance, even with her small talk seemed as if it held something.

I watched her delicate hands work deftly, constructing the rest of her saber. Her nimble fingers were made for the elegant construction of a lightsaber, I'd decided.

There was something about watching her work that left me feeling inadequate. There were no conflicting emotions inside of her – perhaps because we'd stolen them upon her entrance to the order – but somehow she managed to be the sole beacon of light in the area. Snoke likely hated her for her inadvertent penchant for the light side, but he spoke of nothing to me.

"Done!" she yipped, jumping up from her seat excitedly, "let's try it out!"

Hux walked into the room, I could feel his thoughts on her fill his head. He found her annoying in the way she spoke so freely, he wanted to see her fall just as much as myself. Part of me thought that Hux would hate anyone who accrued accolade from Snoke that wasn't himself. Frankly, I didn't care.

"What do you want," I snapped, already feeling cross that the man graciously graced us with his presence.

She nodded lightly in response, but I felt the fear ebb and flow within her.

"You have a week to prepare," he spoke with finality and I knew there was to be a tedious week ahead of us.


	6. The Battle For Clear Sight

AN: Almost 1,000 reads! Thank you all so much!

* * *

One week was an ostensibly short period of time, and most of it was spent perched behind Kylo Ren as he finished my light saber. I never quite understood the amount of work that went into it, apparently they were not mass produced, much to my chagrin.

More often than not we sat in silence as I watched his deft hands work their magic, and within two day's time my saber was complete.

Upon adding his finishing touches a strange feeling filled the air. A yearning that I could not place took hold around my heart and all but dragged me to his side. I looked down at my finished weapon and was overtaken with a deep and foreboding protectiveness.

I no longer wanted him touching it, and perhaps that's what it was like to actually own something. More or less I knew that in fact it was the force imbued crystal calling out to me, it was a part of me as much as any other.

I reached out predatory and snatched the object away, cradling it gently to my chest.

He laughed at my response, "I felt you in it too," it was but a mere observation but it made me blush.

"Is that right?" I asked, interest piqued, wondering exactly what that felt like for someone else.

"It holds a certain resilience, I felt something similar in my uncle's saber," he muttered, eyes averted in pain for a moment before snapping back to normal.

More and more I found Kylo willing to speak of parts of himself, perhaps he felt the same sick comfort I'd felt for him. It was far more likely that I was there and he found himself speaking when he shouldn't have, I would not complain.

"Can we try it out?" I sounded like an excited child.

"Sure," he sighed, cracking his fingers before rising and pulling out his own saber.

"This feels different," I mused, "like it calls to me."

"A saber made specifically for a person will do that, it knows you."

I wondered if his was the same way whatnot with it's manic spitfire appearance, indeed it did resemble him greatly and suited him well.

He squared himself off, exuding confidence and power and beckoned for me to charge.

I'd come to learn that he could be quite fast should he need to despite his height he moved with an ease that I admired, often making himself look smaller in a way, more compact and deadly.

I wondered if he fought with that amount of grace always or if there was a hidden part of him I'd yet to witness in our sparring sessions.

My finger readied on the ignition switch of my saber, steeling my nerves and preparing for what I assumed to be just another bout between us, I'd come to recognize some of his controlled movements – like a dance – in our previous sessions.

By no means was he an easy opponent, often he bested me effortlessly. But I never left feeling unaccomplished, he was after all a very adept teacher, even if he didn't wish to be.

My light saber ignited in a whiz of nearly blinding white light, a stark contrast to the blazing red of Kylo's.

I'd be a liar if I said I didn't love every bit of it, the way it's searing white light illuminated the area around us, bathing me in a powerful glow.

I took a tentative step forward, angling my body for an attack that he countered with ease.

We went back and forth with surprisingly gentle hits until a glint filled his eyes, with ferocity he called out charging forward our sabers clashing.

For a moment I was left unguarded, but I shifted once more into the position to strike back with just as much force.

We continued for what felt like hours, slashing and parrying, often getting too zealous for our training space and making near hits.

Sweat beaded on my forehead and for the first time I'd noticed that he was looking harried as well.

I stepped back, "tell me more of this Rey and the man she's with."

It may have been my imagination but for a brief moment he looked concerned.

"She is training under Luke Skywalker," he mentioned, as he had before but I had no idea who either person was frankly.

All I'd known was that Rey was a force to be reckoned with, and that one day should I ever face her in battle I'd best be ready. I had never come to pass with a person – woman or not – who nearly bested one of the best warriors I'd known.

"Who is that?" he'd mentioned the name on several occasions before, but that was all. I truly had no idea who this Skywalker was, or what he meant for us.

"He is my uncle," Kylo confided, eyes uncertain, "he trained under the best Jedi known to man and aided Leia Organa on many occasions."

Leia, the commander of the rebel alliance was a name I'd also heard on various occasions. Once, in a small conversation amongst a few troopers they'd mentioned that she was supposedly Kylo's mother. I took the information with a grain of salt. Frankly, I cared not who she was. She was our enemy, what relation she held to others simply didn't matter to Kylo or Snoke. Therefor it couldn't matter to me.

"So he is our enemy?" it seemed simple in my head, black and white. There was us and them and anyone in between didn't hold any weight.

"Yes," Kylo replied briskly, "and he is currently training Rey, the force sensitive girl."

"Then our goal is essentially to find and kill them?" I asked.

"As if it were so simple," he laughed, a deep rumbling sound.

"But it is," I offered, "I am fully committed to this -" I swept my arms across the room, "I will fight whoever it takes."

I sounded so certain, but I was unsure if I'd actually be able to end a life willingly.

His eyes widened at my response, before his face took on a strange look.

"Don't be so willing to offer your life in place of someone else's goals, M-0001," he sounded sad, though I couldn't entirely be sure. I'd never experienced such a wide range of emotion from the man before.

"I offer my life because I will not die," I beamed, "I won't let anything stand in our way."

Our, as if we were a team rather than people forced together through necessity.

"I wanted to train Rey," he stated, "to make her as good as you who stands before me now."

"You wanted her to join you?" I asked, slightly offended regardless of his thinly veiled compliment.

I was jealous to say the least, I knew that much. If she had been here, I would have no place. I was glad she was cast aside in favor of training someone else, force sensitivity was uncommon but not unheard of. At the end of the day if Rey trained under Kylo, there would be no need for another.

Where would I be if they didn't need me? I wondered, souring my mood greatly.

"We leave tomorrow, I think you are ready," Kylo said, offering the half smile he often gave as of late. It was something I'd come to cherish, perhaps because of the way it made him seem infinitely more human. But, I also liked it for selfish reasons, it was something I knew not many got to see. I wanted it for myself, as foolish as it may be.

"Let us call it a night then," I offered, feeling the weight of the realization bore down on my heavily.

* * *

The next morning was nerve wrecking, we stood stark still in front of a pacing General Hux who barked orders at everything in sight. For a man who frowned so much I was amazed he had very few wrinkles.

"Ren," he snapped, "if you fail again -"

"We wont fail," Kylo assured, cockily.

"We will be landing on Hoth shortly, there are talks that a rebel base has established itself there hoping to hide in the snow," Hux sighed, running a hand through his hair.

I got excited at the mention of snow. Living my entire remembered life on base I'd not experienced weather of any sort unless meteor showers were considered a type of weather and that only happened once with a navigation person who had not been seen since. I imagined that he was thrown into space for his transgressions.

But, snow, I'd read about. It was cold, beyond my scope of the word cold. Consisting of lovely crystals of frozen water. It was a simple thing to get excited for really.

I could feel Kylo's annoyance at my sudden perk in attitude.

Apparently he spent just as much time reading my aura as I had his, much to my surprise. It had become the easiest way to tell how the other was feeling, the palpable changes in the force that surrounded us gave way to many things.

"Your goal is to find any information whatsoever pertaining to the rebellion, do not get yourself killed Ren," Hux smiled, smarmy as ever.

"Let's go," I urged, feeling Kylo's anger rise beside me.

The air was cold, almost unbearably so, as we walked off the ship, I offered one look behind me to see Hux's smug face stare off into the distance, a quick look into his mind told me that he was almost certain that this would be the time Kylo Ren finally died.

I loathed the man with every fiber of my being, to be so cruel, it was no wonder that he spent all of his time alone. No one could ever love such a spiteful creature.

"We're a short walk from where the base is supposed to be, will you be fine M-0001?"

I frowned at the use of my title rather than the shortened moniker of "Em" I'd come to enjoy, but I nodded despite my feelings.

"It won't be long, what do you think we should do? We can't just walk in," I wrapped my arms around my shivering frame.

"That's exactly what we're going to do," he retorted.

My blood ran cold thinking of the potential bloodshed that two members of the order just walking in could cause, I wasn't thinking we'd have a peaceful entrance by any means but, the chaos that was sure to ensue would cause a ripple through the entire galaxy.

We were coming to ask for a fight, and we'd be sure to have it.

I looked over to Kylo, and with the falling snow catching on his eyelashes I couldn't help but to find him terribly beautiful.

There was a grace about him that in the heat of danger was unrestrained, I found myself looking at him often in this light. Surely it was daft of me to think such thoughts, but a silent nagging in the back of my head told me that admiring him would do no harm.

Look, but never, ever touch it told me. Though, I knew even if given the chance to he would never reciprocate. Hell, I'd be more likely to lose a hand for grazing him than for him to return whatever curious feeling was building in my gut.

Our silent march to the base ended far too quickly for my liking. I found it strange that such an organization would have such a blatant display of themselves.

They were hardly hidden in the snow filled land, a blind man could have found them effortlessly.

"Are you ready?" I breathed, a billow of clouds followed my words, emphasizing exactly how frigid the air was.

"I was born for this," he replied.

My heart skipped at beat as he simply sliced through the door with his light saber, grabbing the attention of two profoundly young looking recruits on the other side.

"My god, it's him," the male of the group whispered before he found himself felled with Kylo's saber.

The girl cried in anguish, clutching a blaster in front of her.

"Leave this place!" she yelled, before being sliced down much like her companion.

"Let's move on," Kylo spoke, his voice calm and unwavering.

We walked further into the base, seeing nothing of profound worth. A commotion was heard from a room adjacent to the hallway we walked down.

Feeling out with the force I could tell that every living creature within the area was camped in this room. Seemingly unaware of the approaching danger that faced them.

"M-0001," he held a hand out, "do not pause for anything."

In my own way – perhaps completely off base – I thought of this as his way of telling me to be careful. I'd made this fanciful version of him that existed solely in my mind, and the Kylo that I held inside of me was warning me, perhaps because it liked to see me alive.

Likely it was more so because he knew I could be a liability should I lose myself.

Rather than his previous approach of destroying the door, he opted to swish it open with the force, a grandiose entrance if there ever was one.

The room fell into silence almost immediately.

"No – no – no," a voice was heard in the group, filled with terror.

In an instant blaster fire was sent about, Kylo deflected every shot easily with a flick of his hand and I followed suit.

Pulling my light saber from my belt loop I stared into the room. There were perhaps twenty total people, all in different stances their warning shots clearly spent.

'Go,' Kylo's voice sounded in my head and we both leaped to action, brandishing our sabers without discrimination.

There was no blood when a saber made contact, I'd never known.


	7. Pretend, Relive, Regret

AN: Over 1,000 views! I never would have imagined that I'd get this far, thank you all so much.

* * *

Everything seemed to move in slow motion, blaster shots were deflected by the force and they bounced off of the metal walls of the complex.

Watching Kylo move outside of our controlled training environment was mesmerizing. Where he once moved with elegance he now danced a disjointed and frantic air.

He was all breathtaking passion and anger, allowing pure instinct to carry him.

I couldn't look away to save my life.

I'd cut down a few people on my own, reveling at the simplicity involved in my actions. A simple swish and someone was done.

A woman walked in from the back, I could see her blonde hair in stark contrast to everything that Kylo was, she looked familiar in a way that I could not place. Her wide blue eyes, eerily similar to some that I'd seen, almost every day at that.

"Amelie," she whispered, eyes filling with untold horror.

The name stuck with me, ringing in my mind.

I heard a grunt from the other side of the room to see that Kylo had gotten extremely close to getting hit with the butt of a blaster. The wielder made a rash decision and got too close, the fool never had a chance.

I was ripped viciously out of my state of distraction when a burning pain took over my side, light partied in my vision making the entire room look full of orbs of white.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat and I could not force it out of my lungs, everything erupted into a world of pain.

My body crumpled to the ground and I erupted into a fit of heavy gasping breaths, trying to steal all of the oxygen I could.

I saw Kylo's long legs rush about the room, his cloak swishing behind him like a king until I felt only two large flares of the force around me.

The sound of boots filled the room, and flashes of white told me that the storm troopers finally arrived, albeit far too late considering everyone was dead save for Kylo and the strange woman.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but forcing myself to breathe and Kylo's quickly approaching footsteps.

"Em," he rasped, the sweat that collected on his brow ran in rivulets down his face.

He rushed over, sweeping me off of the ground as if I'd weighed nothing, his lithe body didn't look capable of carrying much of anything but he'd managed to grab me with ease.

I fisted his shirt in my hand and pulled him down so I was close enough that he would hear me, even in my garbled whisper, "do -" I coughed, a metallic taste filled my mouth, "do not look back, find what we need, I -"

"Silence, the base is cleared out, we can send Hux's men in to search," he spoke through gritted teeth, I could feel his anger fill our space.

It was almost worse than not being able to breathe.

* * *

My eyes were closed, but I didn't need them. I felt myself in a familiar place, one that I'd come to call my home should I ever have to.

The base of the order was ingrained in my being at this point and I could tell that regardless of what I felt, I was safe.

I felt like shit, whatever medicine they'd given me to dull the pain was beginning to wear off and with every sharp intake of air I felt my side erupt into another spike of pain.

I was alive, but I was unsure if that was a good thing for someone who all but failed the order.

Finally, wishing away the last bits of sleep – and trepidation – I finally cracked a single eye open to see myself in the medical wing.

Never had I imagined I'd be on the other side of the spectrum, but it was refreshing to know that the old man was the one taking care of me.

His kind eyes looked down on me, smiling lightly when I'd appeared to come to.

"Welcome back," he spoke softly.

"Shit, I imagined hell would have better drapes," I smiled weakly, my voice sounded like someone had taken to it with sandpaper.

"Never would have imagined to have the best medic in our field on my table," he joked in return.

"We'd almost lost you," he finally leveled, more serious than before.

"It was a stupid mistake," I sighed, remembering exactly what had caused my distraction.

I'd never be able to look Kylo Ren in the eyes again, not that I had all to often to begin with. There was something about his nearly green eyes that often made me flustered in a way I could not describe. They held too much humanity, and though I'd been trying to place a human where Kylo Ren – the effigy – once had been, his eyes spoke too much.

Perhaps that was why he wore a mask, I never would truly know.

Naturally to spoil the mood, as if it were his true job Hux marched in, his face tinged red with how livid he was.

It did not take the force to comb through his thoughts, I'd expended my worth for them. I was finished, I'd be lucky if they trusted me to work ever again. I'd seen droids dismembered for less.

"M-0001," his voice was surprisingly controlled despite the halo of searing hatred that surrounded him, a sadistic smirk formed on his face, "Snoke wishes to speak with you."

"She is injured," the old man urged, sensing – in the way only he could – the graveness of the situation weighed on us heavily.

"I'm fine," I swatted at his arm, noticing the IV line hanging limply around my arm, "I'll take this with me, and I'll be back" I gestured to the pole, trying to reassure him that I would not be dealt with in an unfair manner.

* * *

Walking into Snoke's 'lair' I felt an extreme disturbance in the air around me, there was yelling on the other side of the door.

Kylo came rushing out upon our arrival, the heady aura following him down the hallway and out of sight.

I couldn't get the image of the blonde woman out of my head, something about her called to me, and I felt myself reaching out to her upon sight.

Unfortunately she was taken down with the rest of the base, the name she uttered 'Amelie' felt so familiar, my body almost yearned to hear it said again.

"Come in," Snoke's distinctive gravelly voice called out.

I was left to walk in alone, Hux choosing to stand behind the closing doors.

My heart was in my throat, causing my already labored breathing to increase. In an instant my body felt no pain, and I wondered what Snoke did to ease it, or why he would even bother.

"I sense a dissonance in you again child," he chided.

"I- I am sorry my lordship," I bowed my head in a show of respect.

"Let us speak of something, shall we?" he asked, his voice a sickly sweet sound I'd never imagined to come out of such a man.

"Yes, yes sir."

"Raise your head," he demanded, "there is no need for that now."

I was going to be killed, I knew it, I knew with the way he was acting that there would be no mercy offered for a failure amongst his ranks.

"I see you met someone today," his cracked lips smiled, "she was your mother."

Mother, mother, the word did not settle well with me, I didn't know the woman, regardless of what my brain was telling me.

"Would you like to hear about her?" he asked, voice still unlike his usual.

"Please," I found myself begging, wanting to know anything I could about the woman and the name she uttered.

"You were left to live on your own, that's why we found you in that shoddy little village while she went off to help the rebels," he spoke as if he'd thoroughly studied my story.

"She left you behind, M-0001," he laughed, "so we took you, gave you purpose."

Purpose, I wondered what purpose I had before all of this. Was I waiting at home for my mother to return from a war? Was I truly left so she could go off and do things on her own. I was older, this I understood, perhaps in my twenties, the thought of being left alone at such an age wasn't unheard of.

I should've been off on my own anyway, perhaps married and settled down, living a modest life of my own.

"She called me Amelie," I said, my voice sounded small, feeble.

"Do titles such as names matter that much?" he asked, surprised that I fixated on something so simple.

I shook my head, "no, it's that, I -" I paused, contemplating, "I don't know who I am."

"The magic of being a part of the order is that you get to create yourself, Kylo Ren was not always such. The person he left behind is dead, your choice is just as simple."

He made a very valid point, perhaps that was what made him the best option when it came to being 'the supreme ruler' was the fact that he was so damn convincing.

"I would like to have a name," I gave him a pleading look, "I am not M-0001."

Who was I?

"You are not Amelie," he responded, "but you may call yourself whatever you like."

My mind wandered to all of the times I heard Kylo shorten my title to "Em", when he scooped me off of the ground, when we made my light saber, perhaps I was not M-0001 for a long time.

"Em," I decided with a light nod, "please refer to me as Em."

"Very well, I will pardon you for your mistake today," the man's eyes narrowed into slits, "this is the final time you will be pardoned, child."

It was amazing how quickly his demeanor could change, one moment he was like the wise grandfather, copacetic and kind to a fault. But I knew under the wrinkled exterior lay a man that no one should ever cross should they value their lives.

* * *

There were whispers that a woman had been taken captive, the sole survivor of the massacre Kylo and I footed. I knew it was the woman, the same surge in the force I'd felt earlier lingered somewhere within the base.

I was filled with resentment that she of all people got to survive. The simplicity that would've come from her dying, I longed for it.

I was a new being, whatever she'd touched had been long since washed away.

But the strange force around her called to me, with that strange name I'd given up. She mourned for me, I knew, seeing her child lay waste to her comrades must've been hard. I couldn't care less.

The nagging of her call tugged at me all night, and left me with very little of the restorative sleep my body desperately needed.

Finally I gave into it, I could no longer ignore her begging cries, to find a woman so pure in her use of the force disgusted me after my weeks of training in the opposing side.

She felt so pristine, untouched.

I highly doubted I'd be able to access her on my own, not without some type of clearance from someone, of course no one would understand that I wanted to speak to my mother. If anything they'd scoff at the sentiment, even if there was none to be had for the woman.

But, it didn't hurt to try. Even if to tell her to shut up.

I followed her constant pulses in the force until I ended up at a part of the base I'd never really been allowed to access before. It was darker than the rest, a strange thought considering most of the base was bathed in dull light and monochromatic colors.

I stopped to see but a single trooper guarding her door, the man looked bored as he fiddled with the blaster at his side.

I felt out with the force, it's cold tendrils wrapped in his mind, and I spoke just quietly enough for him to hear me.

"I have to go," I said, praying the simple mind trick would work.

The man's voice was obstructed by his helmet but clear as day he repeated after me and stalked off in the opposite direction.

The lock to her door was easily picked, a trick I'd learned when it came to locking myself out of my room. The key cards we'd been given often shorted out and we'd learned – in a small circle of willing troopers – how to pick a lock.

We were criminals, after all.

The woman looked up at the sound of the door clicking, broken from her constant mantra reaching out to me. I had a very short window of time before I got caught, and treason was not something I wanted to add to my list of accolades from the already shitty day.

"You came," she smiled, tears falling down her cheeks, "my Amelie."

I tensed at the name, remembering my prior conversation with Snoke and how I'd relinquished such a title in favor for the one I'd been given by Kylo.

"Don't call me that," I spoke in a deadpan, the woman's doe eyes were withering away my patience.

"What have they done to you my little one?"

"Cut the shit," I sighed, tiring of her, "what do you want?"

"They've brainwashed you, like that Ren boy," she sighed, showing her age in the wrinkles by her eyes.

"Kylo Ren is not brainwashed," I scoffed, "he-"

"You think Snoke hasn't ensnared him just as much as he had you?" she laughed dryly.

"Nonsense," I dismissed.

"He's been controlling that boy from young age Leia -"

"Silence!" I screamed into the room, shrill voice echoing through the hall, "you are lucky they need you woman, or I'd kill you where you sat."

Her stream of tears seemed to pick up their pace turning her into a sobbing mess of a creature, pitiful and vile.

"They have brainwashed you just as much, don't think that the leader of either side isn't using people for their own devices," I spat.

"Look into your heart Amelie, it will tell you the truth," she sobbed.

I offered her one more withering glare before I stalked out of the room.

The woman knew nothing.


	8. As Much As I Ever Could

AN: Just wanna say thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed so far. Thanks so much, and I hope you continue to enjoy!

* * *

The woman babbled endlessly in my head, I cursed that such a petulant creature was what gave me my connection to the force. Every moment I was awake – and even in my dreams – she talked, about whatever banal thought she had at the moment, a constant filibuster of some sort.

It'd gotten to the point where my lack of rest was affecting everything in my life, my edges had been tinged with exhaustion and it was all but impossible to rest my injury.

I'd resorted to training in all of my down time, I knew Kylo would not approve of me twisting and turning, exacerbating my injury further. The woman could not be avoided, even in meditation she found her way in, to speak of everything and nothing.

I knew this was her way of showing humanity, and she was failing almost as miserably as I had. Perhaps that was our legacy.

Kylo hadn't spoken to me since we returned, the last time I'd so much as even seen his face he was retreating angrily from Snoke's room. I – suffice to say – missed him sorely.

After spending the entire day holed up in the training room we'd seemed to have claimed to ourselves, I sat cross legged on the floor, feeling out for him. Calling, much like my mother had been for the past few days.

I was unsure if it'd warrant a good visit from him, more likely than not he'd loathe that I invaded his mind.

I felt a disturbingly strong force draw near, until the door opened.

I needn't open my eyes to know it was him, and it took all of my self restraint from exploding into smiles and happiness.

"You're just as bad as that woman," he spoke, low and drawling.

My body shivered, it was like being reunited with oxygen itself, I reeked of desperation, I prayed he didn't notice.

"You hear her too?" I asked, a wistful smile crossed my lips.

"You look like her," he mused.

I felt out extending the force through his mind, praying he wouldn't mind my intrusion. I did not remember what the woman's face looked like, but he held a perfectly clear image of her.

"Aye," I nodded, "I suppose I do."

She was tanned from being exposed to the outdoors, something I'd just recently gotten a taste of – and I was positive I'd never get such a treat again - but we had eyes that mirrored each other and light hair that hung about our backs.

It was obvious she was of relation to me, I wondered what Kylo's parents looked like, and if he'd gotten his handsome features from his father or the more delicate ones of his mother.

I truly knew nothing about the man, yet I felt myself fixating on him whenever he was in sight.

He looked away when my eyes found his, averted to the ground in disgust I'd assumed.

"Where have you been?" my voice was quiet, and wobbled betraying the brave front I'd feebly attempted to uphold.

"I've been watching them interrogate the woman," he admitted, "she is as strong as she is stupid."

I nodded dully, knowing he did not spend every waking moment in the presence of my mother.

"Why have you been training so harshly? You're injured." he retorted.

I had no good explanation. I couldn't just tell him that the woman held protests in my head all day long – they'd assume that my loyalty waned – or that I spent precious time replaying the battle in my head, the moment I'd become too distracted by Kylo to actually serve my purpose.

There were many things I didn't want to admit to him.

"I need to feel useful," I replied, knowing it was nowhere near the truth.

I was growing tired of lying to him, the only true alliance I felt I had on the entire ship and I'd spent most of my time feeding him ill concealed half truths.

His eyes flashed with anger, "you almost died!"

I'd grown accustomed to his anger, the flashes of irrationality he held. But never had it been directed at me in such a way. Never had it seemed like he cared.

"I am fine," I plead, trying to make him see reason.

After all, he was the same way when he'd been injured.

"I will not accept that," he shook his head, black hair swaying about, "I will not allow you to die."

His statement caught me off guard. For a man who vowed to kill everything and everyone in his way, for someone who'd vowed his life to a singular cause… he wanted me alive.

"I do not plan to -"

He was in front of me in a few short strides of his long legs.

Then there was a miserable silence that laid between us, as if it had swallowed our voices whole. His eyes carefully watched mine, our chests seemed to rise and fall in synch, taking deep gasping breaths for no reason.

I took a tentative step forward, our toes nearly touching and his eyes screwed shut as if in pain.

There was something so wrong about the absence of his burning gaze, it made me ache for his undivided attention. It made me want to beg for just a single glance, nothing felt right in the world without his eyes on me.

That's how I knew that I was in love, a selfish all encompassing love.

I felt my arms instinctively wrap around him, as if I did this everyday. He finally cracked his eyes open, peering down at me cautiously, as if I made another move he'd be gone.

"Please," I whispered, knowing that this was solely for myself, understanding that I would never get anything in return, "please," I begged.

He didn't need to move for us to be any closer, his arms simply dragged my body the rest of the way, melting into his torso as if I were made to be there, his breath had hitched in his throat in a painful hiss before he jerked me back to a comfortable arms length.

"We can not -" he started anxiously.

"I understa -" I attempted to speak before his lips crashed down on mine, his hands tangling in my hair.

We pulled apart, I felt heat creep onto my face, but I trained my eyes on his, silently begging for a redo.

"If I do that again," he started, voice deep and heady, "I do not think I will be able to stop."

It all made sense to me now, the anger and how he distanced himself. It was a great revelation to know that he was perhaps thinking the same as I had. The distance was perhaps his way of answering to the feelings he'd grown, while mine was to call out to him and fill the void.

I prayed that he did not think it a mistake, even if he voiced that he'd do it again.

'My daughter,' the voice in my head called, I'd been amazed that I managed to keep her out for that long, 'you can save him,' it sang, 'this doesn't have to be the end for you.'

The end?

My mother spoke as if she knew something, but I believed it to be nothing more than a farce. The rebels were obviously desperate to call over whoever they could.

She'd ruined the moment, and I clenched my eyes shut willing her away.

"She speaks to me too," he confided, "she's convinced that she knows the secrets of Snoke," he laughed.

"She is daft," I replied, now allowing her to soil the moment entirely, we were not finished.

"Kylo -" I attempted to reign us back in, back to the palpable thing that was between us now.

"That," he gestured, "was a mistake."

My face fell, it melted into a look of horror, embarrassment, any bad synonym that fit the moment.

"But," I pleaded.

"Do not think for more than a moment that it wasn't the product of a moment we both imagined differently," he dismissed, a strange look had overtaken his face.

"She's speaking to you," I frowned, "do not let her idle fancies -"

"You're too good for this world, Em," he shook his head, "the woman is right."

"Please," I felt a sick desperation fill me, "please, she is wrong."

"Do not let Snoke hear of your conversations with her," he frowned, before walking out of the room.

* * *

I stormed to her cell, hands reflectively clenching at my sides.

I didn't even bother to dispatch of the storm trooper standing guard in a civil way, with a swish of my hands he was flung away from the door.

"Stay where you are," I growled at him, earning a slight nod of his helmeted head.

"You!" I screeched, the woman waking from her meditation.

"What is it Amelie?" she asked, innocently.

"Stay out of my mind, and don't you dare corrupt his," I spat, using every bit of restraint I had to not pull out the saber out of my belt.

"You are good," she urged, "listen to me."

I swung my hand out in front of me clenching it into a fist, I could feel the searing heat behind my intentions wrap around her throat, lifting her out of her position to hang limply in the air.

"I am what I wish to be woman," I spoke slowly, just loud enough to be heard over her gasps, "you will leave us alone."

'Release me,' she yelled into my mind, somehow managing to use the force even with the life being choked out of her.

I grunted before flinging her into the wall, releasing the hold on her throat incrementally, still holding her still.

"Do you not think for more than a second that Snoke is not going to get rid of the boy once he's finished with him," she wheezed.

"Why do you pretend to know his plans?" I replied, indignant.

"Look into your heart," she urged.

"You know nothing of hearts!" I screamed, the residual feelings from before were swirling through me, igniting a new wave of anger.

"My child," she sighed, "you're so young, naive."

"Every side wants to be right," I conceded, at least that much, "but there is no reason to trust you."

"Then trust yourself," she whined, "you know deep down, you can feel it!"

I rolled my eyes, "what do you know of the rebels that would change anything for me?"

"In a few days time, I will tell them where to find Leia, they know it is a trap," she smiled ruefully, "regardless if Leia dies, no matter if by his hands or not they will have no purpose for your precious Kylo Ren, he will be discarded."

"How can I trust you?" I asked, "what do you get from this?"

"Amelie," she smiled ruefully, "I'm trying to protect you."

"And what makes you think I can do anything?"

I wondered what exactly she'd been trying to get at, if anything I was but a small drop in the larger scheme of things. There was absolutely nothing I could offer her on her quest for his 'redemption'.

"The boy cares for you," she offered, "that might be enough to sway him."

"I do not wish to bring myself to the losing side of this war," I admitted, rather selfishly.

But, could I stand by and watch the order dispose of Kylo when they were finished, if of course this woman spoke the truth.

"There is no winning side in a war," she reasoned.

"There is nothing I can do to help you," the anger I came in with swiftly transformed to a sadness that pooled in the pit of my stomach.

I searched my heart as she asked and I found no lies, even if she was giving me a skewed version of the truth I could do nothing. If Kylo Ren was rubbish to the order then I was much lower on the totem pole.

"I believe that only you can show the boy the truth," she stated.

There was a war inside of me, one that I knew I would never make it out alive.

After our previously awkward exchange, I was unsure if I'd even be able to look at Kylo again. My heart yearned to let him know that I was not this beacon of light he saw, that my mother's words were not truth – even if they were starting to take root in me – I couldn't convince him to defect from his life's goal.

Not even for my own selfish reasons, or those of the rebellion.

"You have a little while to decide," she sighed, knowing at some basic level that I would not be swayed so simply, even if at the end of the day it decided the course of Kylo's life.

"And what of you?" I asked, wondering if she'd known all of these plans, what in fact lay in store for a prisoner of the order.

"They will kill me when they're done," she shrugged, as if she'd long since come to terms with the fact.

I did not feel the rightful sadness of a daughter when she said it, of course I mourned the life of everyone lost in the war to some degree. Battles were messy and many lives had been taken on either side, regardless of the cause they'd claimed.

She sighed, moving to her feet to stand closer to me, "my daughter, the world is cruel, he was not wrong when he sensed your light, you are not made for this world regardless of what the order wants for you, and neither is he."

She laid a hand on my shoulder, I recoiled slightly before giving in.

"Fight for what matters to you, god knows I wish I had," she said, her voice a shattered mess of sniffles.

I nodded, absorbing her words, knowing with a sense of finality what I must do.


	9. In My Veins

AN: I'm so sorry I didn't update yet this week, I was really sick for most of it. As per usual I'd like to thank all of the people who've read so far and reviewed, you all keep me going.

* * *

My entire life had been effectively turned on its head, I no longer felt the same sense of right and wrong – skewed as it may have been to begin with – I just didn't know what to do.

My mother's words ricocheted through my mind, if it were up to me to bring about the so called redemption of Kylo Ren I had no idea where to start. It wasn't a situation where I could approach him and offer my hand.

'Let's run away' – I couldn't help but to laugh at all of the scenarios I'd come up with, all of them ended with a light saber forced through my chest, he wouldn't take kindly to any suggestion I could have to lead to him leaving the order.

His path had been chosen, regardless if it was by Snoke or himself, there was little I could do.

I'd never imagined that the course of my life would lead me to this point either, it was a grim realization that even if I could get him free, there was truly nothing more I was capable of.

There was no hiding from the order, and there certainly wasn't a way to hide Kylo from them – or anyone else for that matter – he was quite obvious whatnot with how he looked and carried himself. It's not like his crimes would be instantly forgiven either, at the end of the day being a part of the order would've been his safest haven.

I couldn't help but to dwell on the fact that she said he cared for me though, selfish as it may be. I wanted that more than all else. Perhaps it was my lack of companionship, or the fact that he saved me, all I knew is that when he was in my vicinity everything felt right, and even with his dismissal of what happened between us, I wished more than anything he'd feel the same.

"You're distracted," Kylo sighed, throwing his saber clear across the room.

"I -" I attempted to think of anything to say, but words fell flat upon my lips, "I'm sorry."

He rolled his eyes dramatically, "it's not worth training you in a state like this."

'Let's run away,' I thought, 'let's run and never look back.'

I was thankful he was not in my head, I'd gotten better at recognizing the signs after the mental barrage of my mother.

"Is it because the woman is being put to death soon?" it was a rhetorical question, or so I assumed.

He spoke of it as often as he could, a sense of pride in his voice that the woman 'cracked'.

I wondered if Snoke knew of the secret ambush that allegedly await the order upon our arrival to their main base. I would've figured the all knowing ghoul knew something, of course if he did Kylo Ren nor myself had been briefed.

It spoke leagues of his need for either of us, once this mission was done perhaps our time ran out as well. It was impossible not to connect the implied dots between the woman's revelation and his plans.

We were to kill Leia, there was a small window of time, I was to train and Kylo – well, he was to do whatever it took to steel his heart further and kill his mother. At the end of the day there seemed to be an impossible mountain of tasks, and very few that seemed achievable on my end.

I often found myself pondering the details of his father's death, did he feel remorse for it? Likely not, but it was hard to imagine anyone stone faced in the heat of fratricide.

Honestly, there was so much going on in my head I couldn't pinpoint what exactly was ripping me away from my duties.

'Use a force shield,' my mother's kind voice sprung into my mind, 'the force is strong with you, project it, and talk to him.'

I all but balked at the idea, she suggested not only do I yet another Jedi parlor trick but to amplify it large enough to keep prying minds out of the room, so I could what? Titter anxiously at Kylo and pray that he didn't have my head or whatever brash thought I decided to spout.

'You only have a little while to convince him my girl,' the voice pleaded, as if it were asking me to take out a world's worth of garbage, or to clean my room.

I think if it were under any other circumstances I'd find her constant badgering endearing, but if anything it reminded me of all of the things I could not do.

I felt an infeasible amount of pressure in my head, like it was filled with cotton and desperately needed to burst then with care I used my mind to stretch the field like a sheet, I pushed it as far as I could and marveled at the obvious blue shimmering about the room.

"Kylo," I spoke softly, still afraid that the barrier was not right, "can we -" I sighed, "can we talk?"

I felt like I was babbling, endlessly. Of course it would take very little time to whittle down his patience.

He took a few steps forward, bringing back the daunting memory of our previous moments of close proximity and raising an unsightly tinge to my face, today would not be anything like that I was certain.

"What is it?" he sounded annoyed.

I closed the space between us so my face was level with his chest, I couldn't manage to say what I needed to with his eyes boring into me.

"I have come to learn that after we are sent on the mission to kill -" it took everything in me to not say 'your mother', finding my own has risen a sentiment in me I wished would die, "Leia, the order will dispose of you."

The rhythmic movements of his chest seemed to have stopped, the only movement that lulled me into some bastardized sense of security had left me, and the room felt empty despite it's rather flamboyant sparkling.

"I am not interested in the truth anymore," I began again, this time my voice was filled with a boundless desperation, "I do not want you to die."

Again, I'd resorted to my own selfish feelings, me me me, and I feared that I was not a good enough reason behind all of this, regardless of what my mother told me about his feelings.

His hand cupped my chin, forcing me to look up at his rather endless pit of murky green eyes, "why?"

It was, in all intents and purposes a very simple question but it held an implication I was unprepared for.

How did one even reply but with a cliché often found in novels and the like?

"You're all I have," I whispered, "I need you."

The thought of not having him crashed down around me, causing the blue reflects of light to dance in my blurred vision, the tears were falling before I could even register that I was crying.

Blue lights twinkled behind him in the distance, and I focused on those instead of his twisted face, until of course my head was craned back to looking at him, my small moment of respite, killed.

"You," his mouth crashed down on mine briefly, "are," again, "so," and he kissed me harder than I could manage, my lips feeling bruised, "selfish."

And god was it true, I wasn't fighting for any side. I was not in this for Leia, Snoke, the rebellion, the order, or the safety of the world. I was solely in this battle for Kylo Ren and I was not going to feel regret.

If it came to me dismantling the entire world and putting it back together by myself I would, I'd decided, just for him.

I would face god and run into hell, and at the end of the day when the devil asked me if it was worth it, I would say yes. A loud, resounding, yes.

"Please," I'd never grow tired of begging him, I'd come to realize more often than not it was what I did to get my way, "please, don't let them do this."

"You don't understand," he said, sadly, "can I not make you understand?"

"We can run, god, we can go anywhere and we will get stronger and I will kill anything that tries to hurt you," I was sobbing, nearing an incomprehensible blubbering.

"The more people you love, the weaker you are," his thumbs rubbed the tears off of my cheeks, "I do not wish to be weak, Em."

"You are not weak, we -" I gestured, "we will fight together, please."

"I can not protect you," he replied.

"I wouldn't ask for it," I responded, resolved to the fact that I would, time and time again, die for this man if I had to, I would protect him as no one else had.

"What do we do?" he asked, a bounless confusion tinging his otherwise smiling face.

I felt like we stood there for hours stealing kisses, rushed touches, desperate breaths of air. Finally an announcement sounded on the P.A. the woman's execution was scheduled for an hour's time. The blood coursing through my veins ran cold.

They were publically killing her, and everyone was forced to attend, to make a mockery of her life.

I'd watch my mother die. In days prior I'd threatened such a thing to her and I felt pitiful and foolish. Above all else I was sad, a deep pitting saddness that left even the lingering touches of Kylo to fade into the back of my mind.

Everyone was gathered in a large room of the base, surrounding the bound woman and Hux standing off to her side, looking cocky as ever.

I'd never hated him more than in that moment, it was a searig hatred deep as any ocean. I wanted nothing more than to end him in the same way for doling out punishment to someone who'd offered everything she'd known – unless of course they'd found out it was a trap – perhaps I was growing soft.

"People," Hux's pomp never seemed to end, "pay attention, I bring you filth incarnate," he kicked her in the side causing her to tumble over helplessly.

'My sweet girl,' her voice called out in my head, 'I feel the light in him."

"Revel in the filth of this vile creature," Hux kicked at her again, short sharp shots to the ribs.

'You can do this, if anyone can save him it's you,' the voice sang despite the pain.

I paid a great deal of attention to the fact that there were tears threatning my eyes, even while I tried to remain visibly impassive in the crowd.

"We gather here to end this putrid mistake's life!" Hux's voice rang out, a storm trooper to his side handed him a blaster, "get the bitch to her knees!"

'I love you Amelie, I'm so sorry,' the voice finally sounded pained, sad, she felt as if she'd failed, but I no longer thought that. Circumstances had led us in different directions, and that was not a bad thing.

The blaster was positioned at the nape of her skull.

"Any last words?" Hux taunted.

My mother refused to move, she stared undaunted into the crowd, head head high. It was over in a flash the blaster went off and the light faded from her blue eyes.

Her body fell into a heap on the ground and the crowd erupted into a cheer, a boisterous noise, riddled with curses about ending the rebellion once and for all.

"In two weeks time, we take Leia Organa's head!" Hux cheered, a rare smile played on his features, obviously proud of his accomplishment.

I couldn't breathe, I reigned in the tears, not wanting to draw attention to the mourning daugther of a rebel soldier. Kylo stood stark next to me, shoulders squared, he was a picture of calm but I felt the anger in his aura. I knew then that he didn't wish to see her die, perhaps it was for my own sake, but it was a comfort nevertheless.

"Come," he spoke in a hushed whisper, taking my hand and whisking me from the room.

We walked for some time in silence, before arriving at a room I'd vaguely recognized as his. The door whizzed open and he pulled us both inside.

The moment the door closed I let out the high pitched whail that was caught in my throat, I'd collapsed onto the floor in a heap, the memory of my mother's body emblasened behind my eyelids.

Kylo crouched beside me, an arm wrapped awkwardly around my shoulder, I clung to his robes desperately like a scared child.

I felt the cool tendirls of the force wrap around me lulling me into a sense of security, a soothing feeling overtook my body.

"I killed my father," Kylo confided, "and I felt much the same as you do now."

I'd known at some basic level the story of Han Solo, it was the crowning achievement of Kylo Ren's trip to the dark side, but never had he decided to speak of it before now.

"As I watched him fall, my heart yearned for him," he spoke, raking a shaking hand through my hair, "and I wanted to cry, I wanted him back."

"It's not too late for you," I sobbed, feeling a sick sense of relief at his revelation, my mother hand't necessarily died in vain, though her loss affected me deeply.

The world felt atrociously empty without her constant pulses in the force that I'd grown used to in the past days, though I did not remember her in my life prior I knew that missing her as I knew her wouldn't diminish the love I'd come to find for her in our short reunion.

"Perhaps not," he sighed, coming to terms with the humanity I prayed he'd never lost.


	10. War All The Time

AN: Thanks again for the kind reviews and all of the views! I'd like to apologize for my less frequent updates, I've been super busy lately, hopefully next week I'll be back to my regular daily updates.

* * *

I spent the night in the comfort of Kylo's arms, we didn't speak, we didn't need to. He wasn't the type that felt the need to fill silences with pointless talking and I appreciated it. I couldn't imagine him having much to say in the way of sympathy for a departed parent, knowing his story I should've mourned his loss just as much.

I'd never felt more protected than wrapped up in him, the musky scent he carried lulled me into a sense of security I was surely going to miss the moment we had to disengage.

He was right, I was selfish, nearly far too much for any of our good, but – I told myself – just a little longer, a tiny bit more and then I would stand on my own.

We had to get back to training, the guise that we planned to take the helm on the attack to Leia's base still stood. Frankly, above all else we had to decide how we were going to get away. I didn't say anything but I wanted nothing to do with ending lives to further our agenda, it wouldn't do us any good in the potential for seeking asylum.

I was nervous to bring it up, there was so much left unsaid and even though we had a few weeks there was no mention of an escape. Honestly, I was my idea and he knew nothing of it, of course it was foolish and headstrong, to imagine just escaping the order.

What happened next? I was anxious to connect the dots and have something planned, the fact that we had nothing set in stone yet gave me an uneasy feeling. I liked nothing more than having every aspect of every day planned, it gave me a sense of control I knew I truly didn't have, but pretending was something I was getting good at.

"We when run," I sighed, into his hair, planting a soft kiss where my lips lingered, "when we're out of here, I want to stay away from the war."

He shook his head beneath my lips, "as if it were so easy," he sounded forlorn, "we are the war, I can't just run away."

"So even now we will have to pick a side?" I sounded angry, which was not my intention, I didn't want to make this difficult, no more than it already was.

"I," he paused for a long while, "I need to atone for my sins."

"You have none," I argued.

"I killed many people, I can't just walk to the rebels and denounce my stance, they would never accept it," he laughed dryly.

"It's your mother Kylo, I don't believe she'd turn you away."

I couldn't imagine meeting Leia Organa and telling her with beaming smiling faces that we're swapping sides, it just wasn't feasible. They'd have our heads before we even got an audience with the woman. Perhaps, at the end of the day she wouldn't be our first target after all.

"We need to find Luke Skywalker," he conceded, "if anyone can purge me of blood on my hands it's him."

"The Jedi man?" I was curious at to how he could aid us at all, he above all else would kill us without discrimination, we were his enemy.

Plus, to our knowledge he still had the Rey woman. I knew she had no qualms when it came to ending lives, I remembered the state Kylo was in when I'd first met him. I shuddered to think that such a live wire would allow us to speak before brandishing her light saber, as she had before.

"He is my uncle, we can not live with the pull of the dark side Em, it will destroy us and any chance we have, there is far too much bad in me and even your aura is red around it's edges," he kissed me gingerly.

There was a darkness in me, I'd felt it occasionally and I could not deny it. I fought for a cause that was not my own and that alone tainted me. I killed men and women alike at the base, I all but killed the trainee boy. For all the light Snoke and my mother have – at the time – unfortunately seen in me, there was still a darkness that needed to be purged.

"My mother saw light in you," I murmured, "you are not bad Kylo, not this heart."

"Your mother," he mused, "she liked me did she not?"

I giggled, despite the pain I felt speaking about her, "aye."

I was going to continue, to tell him that she knew he was good, she knew that he would switch sides had I asked for it. I couldn't help but to wonder – even if for but a brief moment – if she was using me as Snoke was using Kylo. People seemed to have little reservation when it came to using others to further their devices.

Was I nothing more than another pawn in the game of war? Was I being used, even in her death to help a plot that I hadn't exactly agreed to, again?

"She is right," he spoke softly, "they are in fact using you, but they are not wrong in doing so."

I looked at him curiously, wondering how he'd gotten into my head without me noticing. Perhaps I was too entranced in him to deny his entry into my mind. It was even more possible though, that he was getting stronger. He was but a trainee himself at the beginning of everything. And, there would always be room for him to grow. His strength no longer scared me.

"You make me weak," he confided, "and I hate you for it, do not get me wrong, but I will fight for you, because I lo -"

The door slid open and we disengaged from our rather provocative position.

I felt a searing anger at the sight of Hux's ginger head poking through the door, I felt a flare of dark surge within me and it took everything that I had to shove it down.

Naturally he picked the absolute worst moment to show himself, I couldn't help but to wonder what Kylo had to say, if life were like the smutty stories I'd read, he was about to tell me that he loved me and sparks would fly and the world would stop spinning.

Something told me we weren't quite there yet, despite how I felt for him love seemed like an awfully serious thing. People fell in love in situations where their lives were perfect and then they lived happily ever after.

After seeing Hux I doubted our lives were anywhere near 'happily ever after' it was more than likely that he came to ruin things, it was after all something he was adept at.

He eyed us carefully, our proximity on the bed didn't speak of anything we could have been doing before, there were no signs of affection between us except for perhaps the tinge of a blush that colored my cheeks, but anger could do the same.

I wished the man knew my feelings for him, Hux was at the very bottom of the list of people I would miss should we just disappear. My mind wandered to the old man in the medical wing, there were people that would be sorely missed. But I understood that there would be no grandiose savior tactics from Kylo nor myself, there just wasn't a possibility.

People here, innocent or not would die, with or without us. It was a dour thought, I could only hope that the rebels managed to kill those who deserved it, Hux and Snoke, Phasma, there were a lot.

Innocence had been lost amongst the ranks as well, when I saw people cheering for the destruction of my mother I'd understood that at the end of the day alliance meant culpability. We were – at the moment at least – just as bad as them.

Kylo, was the worst. We would seek forgiveness, but I couldn't imagine many people accepting him with open arms. He was right to be worried, as was I. Not that it mattered, in my eyes he was redeemed, and I could only hope people took that for what it was rather than hold grudges.

"We are going over plans for the infiltration of the rebel base," Hux spoke carefully, eying us both as if there was a great crime committed from being in the same room together and not going at each others throat.

Kylo rolled his eyes, grunting, he obviously did not want to leave just as much as I did.

"You have ten minutes," Hux said, before turning in a rigid march as he often did, the door slid closed behind him leaving us both in the same comfort bubble we'd created.

"Do we have to?" I whined, I knew that acting as a part of the order was still necessary until the time came where we left, however that might happen the details were still nothing more than a homogenous blob of wishful thinking.

"We must," Kylo spoke as if I were a petulant child, rather than the woman he'd been canoodling with moments prior.

It irked me to no end, but it was part of his temperament, an air of superiority that made him seem wise beyond his thirty-some odd years.

I scooted closer to him once more, closing the gap that Hux's arrival forced between us, I wasn't finished inhaling his scent and I mourned the loss of his warmth dearly.

I knew that in the moment I was using him, he was a security blanket and I needed that desperately. Fear was all I felt when I was not near him, when I could hear his heartbeat, I knew that we were both safe, we'd be okay.

He planted a chaste kiss on the top of my head, I'd never get used to his affections. Perhaps because of the indifferent – and particularly cruel way – he treated others, or maybe because it was something I knew only belonged to me, but I reveled in it. I wanted all of him, from his anger to the anxious beat of his heart.

I couldn't help but to wonder how he felt about me, I felt the niggling sense of a woman enraptured, I needed the relevance only his words could offer.

It was petty of me to 'need' such a thing, his actions spoke leagues and he was not a man of many words, especially those that involved his feelings. I just wanted to know that he felt this helpless draw to me as well. That I was not some disposable thing that offered him comfort in the moment.

"We must go," he spoke, dragging us both off of the bed in one fell swoop, having his arms laced around my body made me wish we'd never have to leave. Damn the entire world if it meant that we could stay just like this. I'd watch the order fall down around me if it meant I got to keep him.

* * *

"Glad you could join us," Hux's smarmy voice filled the small meeting room.

I offered him a rather poignant glare from the entrance, "yes sir," I mocked.

We both took our seats at the table in the center, and watched the ginger man stalk about in all of his pomp and circumstance.

"We plan to attack the rebel base much sooner than the bitch so kindly suggested, two weeks time would give them ample opportunity to prepare, we on the contrary are far more ready, are we not?" Hux stared at Kylo.

"When do we leave?" he asked in return, I felt the anxiety swell within him.

"Tomorrow," Hux responded, as if we were daft.

The fact still stood, twenty-some odd hours were but a few grains in an hourglass. What that meant for our plans was entirely beyond me, previously our two weeks was a baffling short amount of time to construct a solid plan but a few hours, that was mere fodder.

"I am sending the two of you with a small token of soldiers to scope out the base, you will report back and we will go from there."

"Yes sir," Kylo responded, smugly causing Hux's brow to twitch.

"You are free to do your own planning, dismissed," Hux waved his hands flippantly in our direction.

We exited the room amongst Hux's idea of a 'small token' of men, there were perhaps fifteen troopers in the mix, I feared for our lives considering we'd have trained men to escape from, but I knew deep down that Kylo had a plan in order, he was always at least ten steps ahead of me.

"Come back," he whispered, stalking off in the direction of his room.

Rather than follow him immediately, I knew there was someone I had to see, even if I could not tell him everything – or anything at all really – the old man would offer me a slight bit of comfort different than that of Kylo's. I needed to see the only other true ally I had.

The medical wing was never changing, always sterile and white and filled with bodies, I couldn't imagine this many people always getting hurt, but the life of a soldier was perilous in ways I was just beginning to understand myself.

The old man was seated in a corner, his nose tucked in a book. There was a tired look that graced his features that I'd come to recognize as a busy day in the infirmary.

"Tell me you're coming back to help," he joked, offering me a smile.

"Only if you're taking my place on the field," I responded, "you can even have my light saber."

"Always the funny one, you are," he chuckled heartily, "can't imagine you came back to stare at this old face, what''s troubling you?"

How I wished I could sit down and tell him everything, instead I shrugged as if nothing were truly bothering me, despite the weight of the world being on my shoulders.

"I needed to see a friendly face after staring at Hux's sour puss," I jested, taking a seat beside him.

"I feel a turmoil in you," he smiled, "that boy," he clicked his tongue, "who would've thought?"

I felt a blush rise to my cheeks, "and how do you know?"

"The force may be weak in me child, but reading your mind is simple if you're that unguarded," he replied, putting a hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"I never knew you were one with the force," I mused, "may I guess that your old age is what stopped you from actually being in my place?"

We laughed in unison, it was so easy to make jokes with him. My mother would've been glad I had someone on the base long before I had Kylo and herself, albeit briefly.

"Then who would kiss the boy?" he balked, "not me!"

"I came to wish you well, old man, tomorrow things will change, and I need the one good soul left in this hellhole to know that I will fight for them," I confided.

I felt a coldness reach into my mind, rather than fight it off I helped by opening myself up, allowing it to search.

"I see," he hummed, "I wish you all the luck in the universe if it means this old man will live to see brighter days."

"I make no promises, I may just run off and get married or something," I laughed, "damn the entire world if it means I get to be selfish."

"But you are noble," he conceded, "and you will do what you must, of course."

I nodded, "of course."

"Go to your man, he is growing impatient," the old man offered me an awkward one armed hug, "and may the force be with you M-0001."


	11. Adieu

AN: Hello! Thanks for all of the reviews and reads in my absence, I've been thinking about what direction I plan to take this fic, I see that a few of you even have some theories of your own, I'm just as excited to see how things play out. I write on a day to day basis, very rarely is something planned to far ahead of time, so lord knows what might happen!

* * *

I walked in to find Kylo perched impatiently on the foot of his bed, toying aimlessly with his light saber.

"You are late," he rasped, "I do not like waiting."

"I had someone I had to see before I came back," I offered no more, the less he knew the less I'd have to explain away as idle human fancies.

Kylo did not make connections such as I had, albeit few and far in between. I never recalled him having anything like a friend on base, no one he spoke to while in the canteen or waved to in the halls. He would not understand my connection with the old man, it was silly really, the more I thought of it. My only 'friend' was a person nearly thirty-years – if not more – my senior, and I simply considered him a companion because of our proximity.

I wondered if Kylo ever felt lonely, I would imagine that anyone would in his circumstances. The warmth of another person offered much in terms of feeling the light. If there was something – or someone – you wanted to protect the light side came easily.

There was a thin line between the selfish heat of the dark side and the refreshing tingle of the light. But, there was no mistaking the divide, the way the dark side tainted everything, or the way the light side made you feel clean.

"Tomorrow," he whispered, green tinged eyes focusing on me in the dark, "tomorrow we have to run."

He sounded small, something I was certain I'd never experience from him. Alas, he was filled with surprises. I never wanted to hear Kylo uncertain in his choices. He was so resolute that this made me fear for us both. He was a tactician, not a scared human man, he had to stay that way until we were safe.

My hand found his and they laced together, "we will be okay, this Skywalker man you speak of, he will know what to do."

"Hell Em, I don't even know where to find him," Kylo's insecurity made his aura a murky mess of dark and light, I could tell he was fighting within himself.

'He's on Ahch-To' a familiar voice filled my head, my heart twinged at the lilting sound of her voice.

'Mom?' I called out in my head, 'how?'

'The force keeps your soul alive long after death my child, I can not leave you yet, you still need help.'

"He's on Ahch-To," I felt myself speak aloud, strange considering my conversation going on in my mind.

"How do you know that?" Kylo piqued curiously.

I smiled, rueful and sad, "my mother told me."

"A force ghost," he grinned in return, "how convenient."

"I did not know such a thing existed," I marveled.

I felt an endless comfort at the fact that my mother was still there, perhaps this wasn't going to be an impossible task after all. Though admittedly, I was saddened by the fact that she was not truly resting in peace, her soul remaining with us meant that she had not reached absolution in the eyes of whatever god there may be.

The force had all of the chances to be benevolent, but at the same time, it was a curse. She was left to roam whatever plane of existence held it, rather than whatever afterlife existed. I wondered if it was the same for all force users that came before us, of if they were kept for a reason until they were able to disperse back into the stream of life.

"If he's still on Ahch-To then we can get to him easily enough," Kylo confided.

"Have you been there before?" I asked, not meaning to pry per say, but I knew so very little of his life prior to the base that I couldn't quell my curiosity.

Kylo Ren was an enigma, perhaps that was part of his appeal to me other than the traces of humanity I'd seen in him. I decided that – much to my displeasure – there wasn't a lot about him known at all. At the end of the day I felt as if he were a stranger I was mysteriously drawn to. Maybe it was a bit of a savior complex, or meager attraction due to his looks but I knew deep down that I would not end my infatuation with him for any reason. I was too drawn in to quit now, and my need for him increased at an immense pace.

"The Jedi school I'd attended was there," was all he offered in return.

Naturally it made me all the more interested, I'd figured he'd trained in the force. Someone like him had to have been adept at a young enough age to incite the need for training.

"Hm," I hummed, wishing for him to continue.

"I-I," he stuttered, grasping for whatever it was the he'd wanted to say next, "I killed them all."

'Snoke had his hands around the boy for longer than anyone could've anticipated,' my mother's voice chimed again, this time her lilt had taken on a profound sadness.

"It was not entirely your doing," I offered, laying my hand atop his soothingly, "you did not dictate your path in life Kylo, it was never that simple for you."

"I don't want to know how you know that," he sighed, he removed his hand from mine, leaving an awkward space between us.

"Less about this then," I offered, "how are we going to get away tomorrow?"

I was anxious, the lack of solidified planning was leaving me feeling frazzled to say the least. I needed to know that everything was going to be okay, though I understood that neither of us could truly say that.

A lie, would have sufficed. But I knew he was not the type to sugar coat, regardless of how much I needed it.

"We will have to separate," he said.

I never thought it possible but my anxiety increased tenfold. The last thing I wanted was to be without him, together we could face whatever the order threw at us, apart we were nothing.

"No, absolutely not," I yelled.

"Hear me out," he sounded tired, my forceful nature was wearing on his patience immensely.

"I refuse, I don't care what you have to say, we do this together!" my voice was growing hoarse, and I felt the stream of tears rush down my face.

I cried far too often for my own liking, it was a flaw that I would soon have to grow out of. I was no longer a child that got what they wanted with the threat of tears and a petulant attitude.

"Em," he frowned deeply, "you have a better chance at finding them, they do not know you."

'He's right,' my mother reverberated his declaration.

"And what of you?" I gestured frantically, "where do you go? There is no hiding Kylo!"

"I will be near, just not with you," he responded as if I were daft, like he could get away with what he was suggesting.

"Over my dead body," I answered harshly.

"What do you suggest then?" he was patronizing me, belittling my strife and worry and for once I was utterly pissed.

"You come with me, if they have a problem with it then we do not need them," it was a childish thought of course, but it was all I had to cling to.

"We can't just waltz in, these people are my enemies," his anger was bubbling dangerously beneath the surface.

"You are not a monster any longer," it came out in a whisper, I felt true fear at his ever increasing ire.

"When is a monster not a monster?" he asked coldly.

"They took the light away from you," I argued, "it is not the same."

"Answer me," he ground out.

"A monster is not a monster when someone loves it!" I screamed, voice echoing through the room.

"You will not save me," he turned his head from me, but I could not deny the telltale shaking of his shoulders.

"You will not tell me what I can and cannot do," I was indignant, indignant and tired of him telling me that he could not be saved despite his obvious ambition to do just that.

"And what do you expect to do?" he did all he could do conceal his sobs.

"I will tear down the very fiber of the world if it means you will be safe, these people they will not bring you harm, I will not allow it."

He squeezed his eyes shut at my declaration.

"You may not be able to protect me, you may not be willing to, but I," I pounded my hand to my chest, "I will protect you."

"To be so strong," he responded tightly, "to be so sure."

"You have trained me well," I smiled, "let me shoulder your burden Kylo."

"You need to go to your chambers and rest, tomorrow brings a very harrowing day," he dismissed.

"You are coming to Ahch-To with me," I vowed.

"If you so request it," he promised.

* * *

We stood shoulder to shoulder on the docking bay of the ship staring off into the distance of yet another beautiful planet the order wished to destroy.

I prayed that somehow Leia Organa got word of the coming attack and found someplace else to be, maybe with her brother on Ahch-To, I sorely wanted to meet her before the war got too bad, or before it was too late.

Hux stood before us, his face looking like someone had forgotten to take their shoes off before entering his house, sour and miserable as per usual.

"Kylo Ren, and M-0001," his blue eyes scanned over us precariously, "today you will end the life of Leia Organa, are you ready?"

Even if he was trying to sound supportive and bolstering morale he looked like a crotchety old man, there would be no true support in our briefing.

"I offer you my best men to storm the complex with, do try your best not to get killed," he smirked.

"Yes sir," I mocked, giving him a half assed salute.

Kylo elbowed me discreetly causing my attention to flutter to his close proximity to me, it was soothing in a way I could not properly describe.

"Onward and upward," Hux scoffed, finally moving out of the way enough for us to exit.

We marched out with the small group of troopers and started north, no one really knew exactly where the base was so we had that in our favor. We walked until the carrier was out of sight, Kylo and I paused to see that the troopers were walking behind us just as confused.

'We have to kill them,' Kylo sounded off in my head, startling me from the distracted stupor I'd worked myself into.

I grimaced at the thought, I had the idea that the mission would be without bloodshed, little did I know that the plan had been made well ahead of time that it wouldn't be so simple. I steeled my heart to the fact that yet again, I would be ending the lives of 'innocent' people.

We turned toward the group, my hand lay in wait above my saber.

The men stood, unaware of our intentions.

"We must keep moving," one of them commented.

Kylo moved into action, using both hands to strike down the first with ease.

I shifted my weight and lunged at an unsuspecting trooper, my light saber wedged between the plate of his armor and he fell to the ground. I could feel the dark pull of the force around me, I wrapped my free hand into a fist and used the energy to pull another soldier forward and into my waiting blade.

Kylo made quick work of the remaining few, not even breaking a sweat.

They didn't even have a moment to collect their thoughts, I closed my eyes in a quick prayer for their souls, god would take them now and I could only hope that they found solace in heaven, or wherever people who devoted their lives to the order's cause went.

They were not unlike us, they chose a side and went with it. I couldn't truly say that they were undeserving of the warm embrace of heaven. I couldn't help but to mourn my own lacking spot there, I would never find that peace. The force – and my choices and life – certainly would not allow it.

"We need to find a ship," Kylo spoke aloud finally, his voice was grave and if I wasn't mistaken a little forlorn to say the least.

Prior to this day I would have never imagined that he'd feel remorse for ending a life, perhaps it was because of the circumstances, but I felt a sense of relief that he felt anything at all.

I nodded, "it would be beneficial to remove your cloak," I eyed him carefully, to me he looked like Kylo Ren, and of course that meant that to anyone else he would.

I could sense his unease at the thought of leaving an integral part of himself behind, his helmet had become a defining factor in who he was, but of course he could not be that person any longer. The change in our stance dictated that he relinquish every bit of the order he clung onto.

He removed his helmet and placed it onto the ground next to the corpses, in a way it was like he killed himself along with them. The symbolism was there, Kylo Ren as he was had to die along with the men of the order or there would be no saving him.

I could only hope he found solace in the fact that he was able to star anew.

"The village is not far from here, let's go," I could not read his feelings from the sound of his voice, and for that I was glad.


End file.
